Loving and missing y’all June 22, 2009

I haven’t posted anything here in a while, and I am ever so sorry.  This last month has been slightly tumultuous, and I have no one to blame but myself.  I promise to spare you the details.

I’d much rather share the good shit I have in store for you guys.  Me and a cohort have something that I’m pretty sure you will LOVE launching inthe very near future.  Do not forget to stay tuned.  I think you’ll eat it up like candy.  And not that old nasty candy that your single aunt kept in the jar that NOBODY would touch.  Delicious candy.  Buttercream and bon bons and whatnot.

I’m also working on a few personal ventures, and I will be calling on you for input, insight and sometimes, a little bit of encouragement.

Smooches

B. Jack

“This ain’t no time where the usual is suitable” (c) Blackstar May 25, 2009

Finding my purpose has become a serious focus of mine.  Of course, I see the answer being in my writing.  Which is hard right now, because I find myself caught up in writer’s block.  I’ve been writing through it, and found myself with a bunch of unusable stuff.  However, I don’t believe in throwing away ideas, because there have been times where I’ve extracted ideas from less than perfect stories, and they enhanced the story.

I realized, however, that I was a woman who lacked hobbies.  I read, I write, I spin (we’ll get to that delicious torture momentarily), but I don’t have a tangible, calm my nerves hobby.  So, just for fun, I’m going to try my hand at making my own jewelry.  I also want to build a couple of book shelves.  I definitely need something to keep me out of trouble this summer.

Weight loss via spinning.  My weight has been never-ending battle for the past ten years.  So in effort to really take things up a notch, I’ve gone to the hard core activity known as spinning.  I think I’m gonna need a medic.  Doing this makes me remember how much I LOVE wearing myself out.  My thighs are sore, my calves are sore.  it’s absolutely intense.  When i leave the class, I feel like I’ve gone 5 rounds with Tyson.  One of my biggest shortcomings is that I don’t take care of myself.  It feels good to step outside of that norm.

I have several post ideas, however, I also have a few writing projects coming down the pike as well, so as soon as I figure out what will go where, I’ll keep you posted.

Love ya madly!

“Sure it can hurt you baby, but give it a little try…” May 6, 2009

“‘…did Rufus do that to you?  Did he try to make you pay?’

Erick dropped his eyes, and his lips tightened.  ‘Ah.  He didn’t try.  I paid.”

- Another Country by James Baldwin

I’ve thought of a million ways to attack this topic.  This has sat in my draft box for at least five months.  Possibly it’s an indication that this post shouldn’t be written.  But every time I pull this draft up to delete it, something won’t let me.  So arguably, the compulsion to post this because it needs to be said is just as strong.

In this book, Baldwin captured the exquisite unpleasantness of love.  He explored how it’s not nearly as simplistic as boy meeting girl and discovering that they are perfect for one another.  We can be weary of those we love.  We can betray them.  We can resent them.  We can wound them.  And in all of that, it’s never as simplistic as not loving them

Love does not only target the deserving.  Not in the way we think.  We are all deserving of love, when you consider the human right aspect of it all.  However, when you approach it from a logical standpoint, life itself is the ultimate gimme, so every breath we take is pretty much an unearned gift. To speak of love?  Well, it almost seems greedy.

So we go on this quest for something that we, in all honesty, have never quite mastered, yet desire deeply.  And don’t be fooled, even the most cold-hearted bastard, at least at one point in their existence, has desired love.  The unfortunate truth is that love bumps us around so much, we forget what we were looking for.  We abandon the ideals of love and many of our own concepts, and stumble blindly looking for a thing that we understand even LESS of than when we started out.  This leads to a world teeming with scores of fractured and wounded individuals.

And when you love them, you pay.

And when they love you, you make them pay.

And as the song goes, people are “payin’ for a debt [they] never owed.”

Because by the time you come to that thing on the verge of greatness, you’re too scarred to see it.  Or maybe you’re too wounded to believe it.  Or just maybe you’ve become so accustomed to sheltering yourself from hail, gale and the blistering sun, you forget that you once found the rain on your skin to be a delight.  We warily squint behind our rose colored glasses,  smile with clenched teeth and hug with closed fists all because we’ve fought for so long, we have no idea how to not fight.  So we stay ready.  We’ve battled so long that the only thing we managed to remember was not to lose.  We’ve long since forgotten the goal.

Instead of opening ourselves to something that could be complete, we only crack the door.  We give these shadowy slivers of ourselves and wonder why something solid doesn’t materialize.  And we hold back emotion. And we hold back from loving.  And we hold back from being vulnerable. And we hold back from our own humanity.  And despite this lack of deposit into our emotional accounts, we wonder why we’ve borne no interest.

So I’ve made a conscious decision to slough my heart’s history.  And I am scared as shit.  But I’m also pretty fucking brave, and I think that’s a decent tool to have on my side.

Wiped April 29, 2009

These past couple of weeks have been hellacious.  I’m tired, overwhelmed and feeling alienated because I wouldn’t know how to begin to verbalize what’s wrong.

The thing is, everyone else has their own shit to deal with, and no one has time for me to figure out my issues THEN dump those issues on them.  It’s kind of tiresome, and I guess the only reason I’m sharing here is because it’s my space.

I had a horrible financial situation take place last week, and I didn’t know how I was going to make it, but fortunately it was resolved, because otherwise, I had no clue how I would make it.  I thought that was the core of my anxiety, but it doesn’t seem to be so.  I hate not knowing what’s wrong, but I’m antsy and annoyed and I kind of just want to retreat from everything and everyone.

But that’s not how life goes, sso ah well.

That bewitching Emerald Fairy April 23, 2009

When it comes to seasons, Autumn is like my committed lover, but Spring is that mysterious someone who casts longing glances at me when my man is away on business.  Naughty spring.  The smell of freshly cut grass awakens my restless wanderlust from hibernation.  My best writing takes place in the spring because I set Finge and The ‘Bug loose in the park and write for hours on end.  It’s alfresco happy hours with my girls, while appreciating the fellas showing their various assets (biceps and deltoids and pecs, oh my!), set free from bulky sweaters and long sleeve shirts.  How can you not love Spring?  This Sunday we’re going to our first cookout of the season and I can’t WAIT.  I’m searching for the perfect sangria recipe, so if you have one, please share.

So, here are ten reasons to love Spring:

1.  Linen – Can you miss with this fabric?  There’s something about it that looks crisp and fresh.  Whether you’re male or female, a simple linen outfit with clean lines has the power to make you irresistable.

2.  Picnics/Cookouts – I love the togetherness that eating outdoors fosters.  Even when it’s nighttime, and you’re all huddled around citronella candles to escape bugs, it’s just the best.  It’s relaxing, it’s familial, it’s perfect.

3.  Wifebeaters – Okay, now, not everyone has the body for this garment, but if you do, it’s smokin.  The Amethyst Rockstar (oh yes, she is in full effect) can not resist eyeballing a fine ass man in a wife beater.  Yes…he might rob me, but I’ll be able to render a full report to the police, because I promise he has been thoroughly examined.

4.  Rolling down your windows – I love wind in my hair.  I love the feeling of being connected to what’s going on outside, catching snippets of bus stop gossip or other people’s music.  I’ve spent all winter closed off from the cold, and in effect, other people, so by spring, I’m chomping at the bit to get in strangers’ business.

5.  Spring Ale – Do I have to elaborate on this?  Do I need a reason?  Refreshing beer. Mmmmmmm!  Maybe with a big fat orange slice in it.  MMMMMMMMM!

6.  Sandals – I loooooooooooove to let my feet breathe.  I kind of hate confinement, and this REALLY applies for shoes.

7.  Sundresses – One of the best creations ever.  Theyre comfortable as can be and men go crazy for them.  This is really win-win.

8.  Weekend trips – It’s not quite summer, so the kids are still in school, but you can still get that quickie teaser getaway in.  Leave out Friday night, and return late (late, late) Sunday night.  Of course Monday, you’re tired as all hell, but it was totally worth it.

9.  Fun school stuff – My kids’ school has all sorts of fun activites for the kids and families, including “Kids’ Night Out.”  This is a night where you drop your kids off, they get them hopped up on popcorn, juice, video games and maybe crack, and you go about your damned business for like 3 hours.  BEST.  SHIT.  EVER!

10.  Events – Outdoor concerts, festivals, fairs…I’m kicking my feet out of sheer joy just thinking about it!

I’m already there, I’ve just got one question:

“Who’s comin’ with me?  C’mon!  WHO’S COMIN?!

JAN!  THANK YOU JAN!!!”

The reasons you should never say never April 11, 2009

Is because overnight, he gave my stomach butterflies. I’m virtually certain I retired from the butterfly stomach business.

And he says it’s no coincidence.

And the people who know us say it’s no coincidence.

And I say he’s always been the Fonny to my Tish.

And there’s no pressure.

And he says I make him think.

And I say that he lets me feel.

And we don’t have a curfew.

And rather than expecting an outcome, we’re examining the possibilities, and that’s cool enough for me.

Good Friends April 6, 2009

This past weekend, I brought my kiddies to Atlanta so that their dad and I could perform a kiddie hand off.  As luck has it, one of my oldest and dearest friends lives in the A, so I got the opportunity to reconnect with her.   For the purposes of this blog, I’ll call her “Charlotte” , since she puts me in the mind of Charlotte* of “Sex & the City.”

It was just beautiful.  Whenever I look at the people I consider my friends, I never think, “Did I choose well?”  We reminisced, had heart to hearts, danced, laughed, almost cried a little.  When you build a friendship, step away, and pick up where you left off, that, precious, is love.  First Puppy Love, now Charlotte.  I wonder who’s next.

*Charlotte’s reaction is precisely what my friend would have done in this situation:

Penance March 25, 2009

Last night, I slept for almost 7 hours.  When I woke up, I was boastful.  I was on some, “Who’s got two thumbs and 7 hours of sleep?! Awwww yeah!”  So tonight, the Sandman showed me who was running shit, and has made me his bitch.

This past week, I have been feeling extra sweet.  I don’t even know why.  I got off the train, and it seems that when I hit the air, I was enveloped by a blanket of sexy.  I go through that from time to time.  Not even for a particular reason.  I’m just feeling myself.  I went out this weekend, nobody was trying to holler, no random compliments on the train, nothing.  But good luck trying to convince me that I don’t have straight up deliciousness going on.

Tonight, the hour became late.  I became restless.  It was too late to eat.  TV seemed boring.  Maybe I could…I mean, I haven’t visited my no-no in quite some time.  For those of you who read me often enough, you know that when I detail my tales of self gratification, they always end in comedy rather than eroticism.  And yes, this visit to my no-no was no exception.  The thing is, my no-no has been really good to me lately.  It’s really been on some, “You don’t bother me, I won’t bother you” shit.  It’s not that I’m devoid of sex drive.  I just keep myself too occupied to think about it – much.

Tonight, my no-no  stood between me and the sweetest of sweet releases like Gandalf in “The Fellowship of the Ring” and shouted, “YOU SHALL NOT PAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!”   Then, my no-no demanded that I bring her a man.  Then she got saucy and said, “And he’d better not be a bullshit muthafucka either.”  Damn no-no.  She’s being  beggar AND a chooser.  Yikes.

And the thing is, there isn’t even a “well, maybe I should get to know him better” guy.  There’s still some baggage I’m getting rid of, and I don’t want to carry those issues into a potential new situation.  I mean, of course I have crushes here and there.  Actually, there’s a guy that I have a fairly healthy sized crush on, and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m cute, but no more than that.   Plus, I’m fairly certain he’s not digging me like that.  And even if he were, I would refer you back to reason number one.  I think after the Heartbreaker (The Artist Formerly Known As The Chupacabra Hunter) gave me the working definition of the road to hell being paved with good intentions, that cut my appetite for being in a relationship.  Of course, there’s an expiration date on how long i can say he’s the reason for my lack of desire for a relationship.  Once upon a time, I believed that I couldn’t experience deep feelings for a person at all, and he proved that wrong.  I’m sure I’ll meet a brother that will, at least, make me rethink my position and get back on the horse (and other things) again.

I haven’t quite figured out how I will handle the burden of my own sexiness and the impending wrath of my no-no (I think that bitch is making a picket sign), but I don’t intend to let life pass me by while I find out.

The Luscious March 7, 2009

To say that this week has been tumultuous would be an understatement.  It started off with a snowstorm.  More specifically, it started off with me driving to the metro in a snowstorm, with my two children in tow.  Can I tell you that I almost wrecked the Hyundai with the butterfly doors?  I’ve had only a few butt puckering moments, but driving in that snowstorm with my chocolate treasures in the back seat definitely rank high on that list.

So Monday, I bring the babies to the gig with me; because if I’m going to be stuck anywhere in a snowstorm, it’s going to be with my babies!  We ended up staying at my job until 10 pm.  They watched television while Mama MADE THAT MONAAAAAY.  I came to the realization that part of the reason I go in to work is to get peace.  Lord, I had to hear “Mama” all day long.  it damn near took me out of this world.  I spent half the time suppressing the urge to say “Sit your monkey ass down and let me hustle up this video game money!”  Since I worked so late, not only did my children get to eat on the firm, but they also got the firm’s contracted car service to ride us to the parking lot.  They were really feeling like big shit.

Tuesday was another story.  I may or may not have discussed this here, but my sister was recently married.  now, I do not typically put too much of my business here, and I will afford the same courtesy to my sister.  However, I will say this.  Her husband got out of pocket in a MAJOR way.  I mean a way that has caused great concerns on several levels.  In my humble/royal opinion, the situation did not really “resolve.”  And the way it did come to a conclusion disturbed me greatly.  As much as I want my sister to succeed, I do not have positive feelings about this man, and I would feel like less than a sister if I did not express that.  She does read my blog from time to time, so I’m sure she knows that I’m coming from a place of love.  I’m also not saying anything here that I did not say to her.

Now, I can give him the benefit of the doubt, in that he knows neither me, nor how I operate, but I did have to provide a crash course.  I don’t like confrontation, and I don’t like conflict.  But there are times in your life where you have to pull out the bud nippers and sasy, “I want to give of myself, but you are encroaching on what is mine, and I need you to return to your corner.”  Because there are people who do not know what the boundaries are.  I’m sure that it had an impact on our relationship, but when something has to be said, it has to be said.  I carried that shit on my shoulders until last night, which also bothered me, because I pride myself on being the bounceback kid.

So last night, Artemis gave me a call, and i was SOOOOOO glad to hear from her.  It had probably been over a week since we had spoken. We chewed the fat and I came to a realization.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have returned to The Luscious.  For those of you who don’t know what the Luscious is, it’s a state of heart and mind.  It’s my walk, my talk, my aura and my swag.  The Luscious is how I embrace my friends, and repel what ain’t mine.  I told my sister, “You know, i’ve got a long way to go, but it’s hard for me to explain how happy I am.  And I know that whatever I’m feeling, it’s deep, because on the surface, I have no reason to be any happier than I would be on any other average Thursday.”  Yall, I’m smiling when I wake up, I’m putting on the colorful lipgloss.  I’m buttering my body to delicious softness on a regular basis.  The kid is BACK.  And I don’t know when I came back, but let me tell you:  TIME IS A HEALER.

And the reason I know that the Luscious is in full swing, the bees are buzzin around this honey.  And I just don’t mean men in a sexual manner.  I mean I’m on the page with my friends.  My kids and I are having some of our greatest times ever.  I’m even connecting with strangers.  Last week, I was reloading my SmarTrip card, and i got into a brief, but very friendly conversation, with a lady at the machine.  We laughed and talked as we waited in line and conducted our business.  As we parted, she shook my hand and said, “What’s your name?”  I told her, and that really touched my heart.  In that brief conversation, that lady felt enough of a good spirit in me that she wanted to shake my hand, and learn my name in the event that she would see me again.  I know some might think I’m crazy, but in a world where everybody and their grandmammy wants to get all in your shit, there’s somethign that did my heart good in knowing that lady just wanted to know who I was.  That made me feel very beautiful.

Part of this healing has enabled me to reconnect with old friends.  I’ve been in regular contact with two of my homegirls from high school.  One of my dearest friends and I have a promise to meet for lunch at least once a month, given we both live in the DMV.  But a funny thing is that I reconnected with a person that I believed would never again be in my life. I spoke to *gasp Him.

Oh yes, precious, “Him”.  My puppy love.  I once thought that the sun rose and set on his very ass.  I finally had the opportunity to apologize.  I don’t have a lot of bad karma under my belt, but the way things happend between he and I, yeah…he was owed a weighty apology.

But the beautiful thing about talking to him wasn’t that I was talking to my old boyfriend.  I was laughing and joking with my FRIEND.  Because you see, even without the relationship, this dude was my friend, and I lost that.  Have you ever lost a friend. I don’t mean that bitch that you sometimes get a drink with and fight over men.  I don’t mean that dude you play Madden with and you occasionally smoke up his weed.  I mean, have you lost the friend who KNEW you? Your idiosyncrasies, your fears, your buttons?  I lost my friend.  And the worst part is that it was really something I caused.  Joking with my friend is like finding a 20 in a hidden flap in your purse on a non payday Friday.

What’s my point?  Love, in all its forms, is a beautiful thing.  And The Luscious thinks that there’s nothing more delicious than love.  If I keep up with all this positive energy, The Luscious is gonna get fat.

When it’s my time March 2, 2009

If thou love, pronounce it faithfully
Or if thou think I am too easily won,
I’ll frown and say thee nay and be perverse,
So thou wilt woo, but else not for the world.
In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,
And therefore thou mayst think my havior light.
But trust me, gentleman, I’ll prove more true
Than they that have more cunning to be strange.

Romeo & Juliet – William Shakespeare

Shooting from the hip is something that I take great pride in. If there is something that needs to be said, say it! No one wins when you skirt the issue.* A couple of weeks ago, I was having lunch with a friend from high school, and we discussed a mutual friend on a social networking site, that often altered their relationship status. “I’m single,” “I’m dating,” “It’s complicated.” She wisely opined, “If you’re our age, single, and trying to do this dating thing, I don’t care who you are. It’s complicated.”

Yeah.

Because we complicate it.

And we like it like that.

And by “we,” I mean “y’all.” Mamba likes it simple. Mamba likes to say what she means. Mamba likes people to mean what they say. And when they don’t mean it, or even if they are uncertain, don’t say it. There’s nothing wrong with silence.

Whenever I talk about people and their intentions, the focus almost always shifts to love. It comes up so often because love is one of the purest things you can offer someone. God is love. I don’t think it gets more pure than that. And even for those who don’t believe in God, when you feel love, I’m not talking the surface joint – or even necessarily the romantic joint – but when you’re in the presence of love, nothing beats that.

And yet, as a woman, if I want to be loved, I’m expected to play some kind of stupid game. Or, I have to deal with people that treat love like leprosy. Uncontrollable. All encompassing. Deadly. I may have said this before, but I happen to be one of those women who don’t wait to hear the “L” word before she uses it. I think the entire rationale is juvenile. I know those who think that when a woman uses that word first, she surrenders her power over the man. At one point, I was a person who would not share feelings until the guy said something first. I’m 32. If I’m involved with a person to the extent that I love them (no small feat), then I think it would be positively stupid on my part not to tell them.

I don’t do this because I expect to ride off into the sunset. I don’t do it because I expect that relationship to be forever. I do it because I know that life is short, and if someone means something to you, you should tell them. I take great pains to eliminate “I wish I said” from my lexicon.

Unfortunately, the straight shooter is not in demand. We are so comfortable with hiding from each other, with lying to each other, with taking one another for granted, that when you open your mouth to say, “You know, I like you, and I like who I am when I’m with you,” people run in fear. I haven’t allowed it to make me weary, but it does sometimes make me worry. Relationships are being being built on the sand that is deception and fear at an alarming rate. My discomfort with the way people feed lies to others is only surpassed by the ease in which people seem to be willing to choke those lies down.

And I’m the anomaly, because I can’t accept it. As much as I complain about being single, I acknowledge the fact that it’s a choice, because if I had the ability to swallow what my gut told me was untrue, if I mastered the art of delusion, I probably wouldn’t be single. But I won’t. I know that I’m true; more true than any broad that plays the game. And if I can be true after being hurt, picking myself up and dusting myself off, I’m really not trying to hear excuses as to why others can’t.

So what do I do in the meantime? Be fly, happy, and dance on Saturday nights like there’s no tomorrow.

*This is not to say that there are no topics that I find daunting, or challenging. But these things are most assuredly the exception, and not the rule.