“So much on my mind, I just can’t recline” (c) BlackStar January 20, 2009

It’s 2:00 and I’m awake.  Probably shouldn’t have had that 9:00 cup of coffee.  But what did you expect?  Mr. McMahon came back to Monday Night Raw.  What the hell was I supposed to do.  PLUS, I have to watch tonight’s episode of 24.  I’m having entertainment overload.

The biggest thing in my life, however (besides the Chocolate Wonders), is my book.  I’m working hard guys.  I promise.  Since I began blogging (almost five years ago…WOW), I’ve been promising a book.  I’ve been so critical of what I write because my book is sort of my love letter to you.  It’s thanking you for putting up with my ups and downs, neuroses, idiosyncrasices and wild woman ramblings.  You don’t know how much it means to this regular chick that her words touch you.

The other day I did a meditation called “Heart Song.”  There comes a point that addresses sending healing energy to wherever you need it.  When I began to send it to my heart, I could feel my eyes well up.  It made me think of “Him.”  It made me realized that my heart was broken even before I met him, so what happened from that point on, really wasn’t his fault.  When you haven’t afforded yourself the amount of love you expect from others, you’re kind of fighting an uphill battle.  Scratch the “kind of,” you ARE.

The beauty in this is that I’m getting there.  I don’t “think” I’m getting there.  I’m getting there.  I feel happy.  Not sometimes.  Not just when I’m out the friends.  When i can’t shop, buy my kids the things they want, get my mani-pedi action on with the regularity I would like, I’m STILL happy.  When I’m home with my kids singing showtunes, I’m happy.  I know that I have a ways to go in my life, but this is the very first time I’ve felt this.  It’s this deep in my gut sensation that feels like it’s glowing.  Amethyst Rockstarism in full effect, if you will.

I keep realizing that I am still a young woman.  I’m actually too young to be as jaded as I seem to be.  In my prayers and meditation, I’ve let those jaded feelings go, and rather than focus on the bitterness that comes with the experience, I celebrate the wisdom.  I guess this seems like a lot of blather, but hell, this is my spot, so I can only think that you came here to read what I had to say.  Love, luck and lollipops.

Smooches

Beauty

“Apparently the police have been beating up negroes like hotcakes” (c) Dave Chappelle January 14, 2009

Oscar Grant

Adolph Grimes, III

Robert Tolan

When being the “lucky” one means you got shot in the chest and lived, an overhaul is in order.  (For driving a stolen car…which was his…so…it wasn’t stolen…um, what?)  So, how many have to take a bullet before we get angry?  I mean REALLY angry?  Having videotaped evidence of an officer executing a black man as he is on the ground with “the man’s foot in his neck” (literally), is evidently not enough.  Knowledge that if there is a back to aim at, NOPD is shooting it, is evidently not enough.  (There were instances in the aftermath of Katrina where officers were so threatened that they shot people in the back.  It was said that if anyone was shot, it was done, “at a time of extreme stress, when the city was under martial law.”  What the hell are you trained and paid for?  Unless you are family, when I call the cops, I’m not calling them to come to a barbecue.  I’m calling because the caca has hit the proverbial fan.  “Stress,” is not a defense.)

People, this kumbaya, racial equality thing that we desperately want to believe in just ISN’T factual.  I don’t want to hear about the strides that have been made when a black man can get shot in the back, have it filmed,  and it takes almost two weeks for an arrest to be made.

We are at a pivotal point in history, and I understand the excitement.  However, black people, the inauguration is not the Bayou Classic, Essence and Howard’s homecoming all rolled into one.  There are a LOT of things that need to be addressed before we pop the champagne and celebrate.

Do you really think this devaluing of black life stops with the police?  You don’t think there are non-black people who look at this and say, “Well, it took this long, he HAD to have done SOMETHING!”  And before you get it twisted, don’t believe this line of thinking stops at non-black people.  Do you think that there are not other black people with sick hearts and minds that won’t look at actions like this, and see it as carte blanche to do what they will with another black life?  Like say, kill their own son (read: BABY) and blame it on mystery black men?  (This is a WHOLE other topic!)  Do you realize how heavy that is?

And for those who read this and say, “Why does it have to be a black thing?”  Maybe YOU can tell ME, why does it have to be a black thing?  Why is it when you talk about an unarmed person taking multiple bullets by the police, the face is almost invariably black?  Why is that when Don Imus said “nappy headed hos,” black people (yeah, US) could talk about nothing else until Imus’ head was on a platter, and right now, we can’t talk about nothing but a party?  (And let me tell you, a whole lot of black folks were far more offended by “nappy” than “ho.”  Nappy is the new “n” word?  Hmmm.)  Where’s Al now?  Jesse?  Can they move on some REAL issues?  If they’re at a loss, I’ve got a laundry list.  We can start from public education and work our way down.

Some people really need to stop being afraid of revolution.

“Because revolution is nothing but change.” (c) The Last Poets.

Kool Aid Grin January 13, 2009

Hey guys! This year, I’ve hit the ground running.  I can’t say that all my “problems” are “solved,” but all of my solutions are in play, and I’m definitely a broad with a plan.  I came to the point that 2008, though a rough year was so necessary.  At one point in time I thought that I needed things to be good for me, because I had gone through so much in my life, I didn’t know how much more I had left.

Well, through meditation, prayer, and visualizing who I am, I see that there are probably a lot more storms that will come my way, and I’ve got the stuff to make it through ALL of them.  I recently read a book about breaking down, and it said that when you allow yourself to break down, it becomes a habit.  That was so powerful to me, because I spend so much time being strong and trying to be the backbone, I trick myself into believing that I am allowed a “little breakdown” every now and then.

Life has never been cake for me.  I doubt quite seriously that’s going to change.  I know that my “happy” is waiting for me, but when you get down to brass tacks, I’m a happy woman now.  Sure I’m surly, aggressive, and maybe just a little brash; but I’m HAPPY.  I have good days and bad days, ups and downs.  But when things come out in the wash, I’m tremendously blessed.

That being said, my book.  For those of you who have been supportive of me, I really appreciate you.  For those of you who have inspired me, I appreciate you.  I know that if certain things, good and bad, had not transpired, I would not have been motivated toward my goal, so I’m just thankful for my life.  I’m just having one of those days where I feel like every positive step has me at the threshold of something great.  It’s a good feeling.  It’s a really good feeling.

Who’s got two thumbs and was rocking out to Journey this morning? January 12, 2009

THIS CHICK!!!!

May I also say that I am wearing the most spectacular pair of high heeled boots and the most divine plumish, fuschia lipstick? Oh yeah, swagger tank is on FULL.

Leap tall buildings in a single bound, faster than a locomotive January 8, 2009

…but I’m only average when it comes to frying chicken.

Yes ladies and gentlemen.  A black woman who is only so-so in the fried chicken department.  Now, those who have had the pleasure of sharing a meal with me, know that I’m a pretty good cook.  You name it, I can pretty much throw down.  Delicious home made soups, the juiciest most tender meatballs on earth, jambalaya that can make you slap your mama, pork chops that will make you renounce your dietary restrictions, and I won’t even go there on my fried fish (I do lots of catfish here, but I’m more of a trout girl).

I can do anything else with chicken.  I can barbecue, stir fry, bake (OMG, my tequila lime chicken…SA-LIE-VAH!), and stew chicken til the cows come home.  But, when I’m standing over the grease to fry up a mess of chicken, and something comes over me.  Let me reiterate, my fried chicken is cool.  It’s tasty enough.  However, considering that everything else I make is the bomb, my fried chicken being less than steallar disturbs me. It just doesn’t quite strike that balance of crisp on the outside, juicy within.

And yet, my children are begging me to fry some chicken tonight.  And I am engaged in a conflict within, because I am forced to prepare mediocrity.  And that just ain’t my style.

The horror.

That’s SOOOOO fucking gay! January 7, 2009

Yeah.  That’s right.  I said it.  I don’t give a hot buttered fuck if you don’t like it, Wanda Sykes.

Language is not a static entity.  It’s always changing.  Always evolving.  Words are always created and/or taking on new meanings.  Remember when gay used to simply mean being happy?  So what…now you’ve got it, and we can’t have it back?  FUCK THAT!  That’s gay.  Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay!  You decided you don’t like homosexual anymore?  Fine.  Whatever.  But you don’t have the monopoly on changing words.

I understand the principle behind the PSAs that are going around, but I promise you, I won’t be gay (happy) when I beat your gay (homosexual) ass down for saying something is “So Melanie (stupid).”  I will probably be arrested for fucking that person up.  (I’m fairly certain someone did say something similar to that in a blog commenting section because I called a manly looking chick a pre-op tranny.  However, I didn’t address it because I don’t do cyber beef.  Keyboard titans really don’t concern me for so many reasons.)  Please note however, that this will not be gay (homosexual) bashing.  This is me being a person that fucked somebody up for coming up with this gay (irksome) shit and then trying to play with my emotions.

Okay, I’m being somewhat tongue in cheek.  Every individual has something that offends them, that may not offend the next person.  Every culture is different.  We get caught up in this “we’re all the same” mentality, and it’s really just not true.  Now, do I believe that we should be sensitive to our environments?  Certainly!  I’m not going to chow on hamburgers in India.  I’m not going to bust up in a kosher restaurant and order a pork chop.  I’m not going to wear a halter top when visiting my Muslim friends.  And no, I’m probably not going to necessarily say “That’s so gay” in the company of some of my gay friends.  (Though there are some in which I will say that, another story entirely.)  But, at the end of the day, you can’t legislate that everything I do makes one set of people happy, comfortable, etc.  at all times.  It’s unreasonable.  And to be honest, just a little silly.

Just my thoughts.

In a New Orleans State of Mind January 3, 2009

I like to think of myself as an elevated type of chick.  But, for those of you who have been with me for a while, you may remember that I have always maintained that a person must keep their pocket of ignorance.  One thing you may or may not know about me is that I embrace my inner hoodrat.  That hoodrat LOVES to shake her ass to some New Orleans bounce music.  Tonight, I was sitting here, and my cousin sent me the video “Pump tha Party” by PNC.  Now, this means nothing to a person who has never been to New Orleans, or listened to our bounce music.  But my people with love for the 504, and especially if they were kicking it in the Crescent City in the 90s, they see that song and I promise you that their first reaction was, “AWWWWWWWWWWW SHIT!”  Their second was to run to their old burned CD (and dare I say cassette tape) collection, and dust off the compilation that holds a simple, one-word title:  “Bounce.”

For those of you that think big girls aren’t active, you’ve never been to Whispers, Whispers 2000, 30something, 7140, Ambrosia, The Loft…I could continue.  There is NO clubbing like New Orleans clubbing.  So now, I present to you “Hood Rat’s Delight.”

Should I have been ashamed to dance to this? Eh, maybe. But one can’t be serious all the time. And for the Friday night workout:

There’s also the endless songs of DJ Jubilee. I don’t care where I am, if this song comes on, I’m shaking my ass:

DEM HOES DON’T LIKE THAT!

This is making me terribly homesick, and I’m thinking that rather than going to Niagara Falls in the Spring, I may be going home, just in time for crawfish season, so I can feed my hoodrat need.

Bonne Anne Bitches! January 1, 2009

Somewhere around post 93 (when i realized that I was coming upon a milestone post) I thought, “My 100th post is going to be especial!  Grande!“  With this declaration, I was faced with a conundrum:  What could I give you that was special?  I mean, I’ve pretty much given you guys everything.  I’ve written in the midst of tears, pain and laughter.  I’ve written about love found, love lost and my first visit to the land of fisticuffs.  You know about my battle with hurricanes, my fractured relationship with my father.  I’ve even told you about how I couldn’t bust a nut.  I told you about keeping my na na under wraps.  Let’s face it, you’ve been invited pretty deep down the rabbit hole.  (Oh the puns!)  So now, what?  In honor of my 100th post:

100 Mel Factoids

1.  Snorer

2.  My kids are very good looking

3.  I hate being cold

4.  I love the feeling of the sun on my skin

5.  Cartoon aficionado

6.  I can drink most guys under the table (doesn’t mean I do it on the regular)

7.  Lover of traditions that emphasize love and family

8.  I’m the oldest sister

9.  Though I’m tough, I much prefer my man to be the boss

10.  I do not expect people to read my mind, so I speak it

11.  I never fit in, but I always make my place

12.  I refer to my aura as “The Luscious”

13.  I am a writer

14.  I will be published in 2009

15.  I hate the after party clean up

16.  Quality over quantity is a philosophy that pervades every aspect of my life

17.  Snuggling under a warm blanket with a good book feels like the good life to me

18.  Got more a$$ than the models

19.  Special affection for Shakespeare

20.  Can’t hold a tan

21.  I was 11 before I realized that I was light skinned…ededed

22.  I love the fact that I have chocolate children

23.  Brussel sprouts are teriffic

24.  I have the utmost love and respect for my black brothers

25.  Hates ironing, so I hang my clothes right out the dryer

26.  Watching Star Trek has a soothing power over me

27.  I have a moderate geeky streak

28.  Is a hopeless romantic

29.  I’ve only been in love twice

30.  Both ended on sour note, hence ruining our friendship

31.  I fell out of love with my second love this year.  He unnecessarily played the game raw.  It makes me sad, but it’s a part of life.

32.  Love comes in many forms; sometimes the soul mate we crave isn’t a romantic one

33.  I think about love a lot, because I don’t understand people’s fear of it

34.  Loves guys with “cool”

35.  Hates when people pussyfoot around the issue

36.  Snickers at the word “pussyfoot”

37.  Wants to learn to play the guitar

38.  Loves photography (next hobby perhaps?)

39.  Still breaks out like a teenager

40.  Wants to learn Japanese

41.  Wants to learn French

42.  Wants to re-learn Spanish

43.  Was once moderately conversational in Spanish

44.  Loves that when she gained weight, she got meaty calves (weird huh?)

45.  Loves to see couples in love

46.  I have very few “go out” clothes

47.  Thinks Rhymefest is a vastly underrated emcee

48. Thinks cuddling is the bomb, but obligatory post-coitus cuddling is wack

49.  Thinks Qdoba puts crack in their food

50.  Will shamelessly eat burrito crack all day

51.  I’m kind of a tomboy, but I love wearing skirts

52.  Absolutely loves to see men in blue

53. Thanks her father for making her smart

54.  Thanks her mother for making her compassionate

55.  Thanks God for providing them both to make her balanced

56.  Didn’t have sex until I was 21

57.  Is a quick study

58.  Hooks up a mean pot of collard greens

59.  Believe in treating myself well

60.  Totally over the concept of haters

61.  Has a jealous streak, but keeps it in check

62.  Chuckles at the homoerotic undertones in Looney Toons

63.  Loses her keys regularly

64.  Loves to go dancing

65.  Realizes there is no continuity in how she phrases the revelations in this list

66.  Loves video games

67.  Does not believe in children being seen and not heard

68.  Does believe in children being respectful when they are heard

69.  Believes in paying dues

70.  Loves Dr. Seuss

71.  Thinks negative emotion is a waste of time

72.  Can’t whistle loudly

73.  Thinks flaws add character

74.  Thinks the true nature of people is discovered when times are tough

75.   Once got in trouble for singing “Secret Lovers” in church

76.  Also danced and sang “Whip It” in church

77.  Got beat in church a LOT

78.  Her firstborn son has been an old man all his life

79.  Loves Scrabble

80.  Needs braces

81.  Wonders if Cartoon Network will ever get Woody Woodpecker Cartoons

82.  Has gorgeous soup coolers

83.  Boys like me alot

84.  I have a gift of sensing people’s emotions

85.  Reads voraciously

86.  Has been drinking coffee since she was 10

87.  Thinks that no one has ever captured love and all complexities like James Baldwin

88.  Knows that she had a life before she had children

89. Can scarcely remember what she did with her time before she had them

90.  Believes in the power of prayer and meditation

91.  Is thankful for pain and the lessons it gives

92.  Shamelessly watches Spongebob Squarepants

93.  Does not miss an episode of South Park or Family Guy

94.  I like me

95.  I stay aware of my worth in all aspects:  love, friendship, work, etc

96.  I recognize my flyy

97.  Stays away from negative blog comments

98.  When I was 11, I wanted to be a ninja

99.  Cayenne pepper can go on almost anything

100.  Believes that a good coffee cup makes life worth living

Wow…I didn’t think I would make it to 100!

With that, I wish all of you a blessed and prosperous 2009.  I’m so grateful for each and every one of you that read my musings.  As long as you keep reading, I’ll keep writing.  Actually, even if you stop reading, I’ll keep writing, but isn’t it good to know that you’ll have lots of stuff to catch up on if you ever return?