I got… October 28, 2009

It’s impossible to convey the importance music holds in my life.  My artistic slumps almost inevitably lead to secular and emotional slumps as well.  In yesterday’s post, I discussed feeling disconnected, and I’m working to fix that.  But yesterday, while discussing music, someone posted a lady I enjoy calling “My Nina,” and it seemed to fit so perfectly in my life right now.

So, I’m chubby, I haven’t finished my book, I don’t own a home, blah blah, blah blah, blah BLAH! I’ve got life. I’ve got a day to become closer to whatever goal I fell short of the day before. I’ve got a SHOT. I’ve got a day to eat my veggies, write a new paragraph, and save a couple of dollars. I’ve got the strength to pray for wisdom and endurance. I’ve got the heart to admit I’m scared and the balls to slay dragons. I’ve got the eyes to seek that which encourages me. I’ve got the nerve to demand that people not waste my time and let them know that I call the shots on what I’m worth. I’ve got the clarity to count my blessings. I’ve got the sugar and water to turn lemons into lemonade. I’ve got bad ass shoes. I’ve got the ability to find the best pairs of $4 earrings. I’ve got good friends. I’ve got good family. I’ve got rhythm, music and daisies in green pastures. I’ve got the feeling that if Nina Simone’s voice can’t take you to a new place, then you’re missing major shit in your soul.

AND

I’ve got my boobies. *giggle*

The Bravado October 9, 2009

Damn Twitter.  I read the biographies of two people, and, after shitting on other people and the way they turn over a dollar, their only claim to fame was, “I’m not them.”  When I looked these people up, (because when you market yourself as a professional, I expect to find you recognized as such), one chick threw dinner parties, the other pretty much had…well…a blog, and there was little else.  These things wouldnt’ have given me pause, and I would have had no commentary on their drive, hustle and struggle, had they not made it a point to take jabs at the folks in the struggle just like them.

It’s easy to elevate when you stand on the back of the next man; but can you levitate?

I tell my kids this all the time, and the first time I said it, they looked at me like I grew a third nostril, so I broke it down further:

Pointing out the flaws in others to make yourself look better is a lousy weapon.  Aim for excellence and let that speak for itself.

Now, it’s funny to hear them use that logic when they’re playing on MarioKart, but it feels good that they’re listening to me, even when it’s just to further their own interests and add salve to their egos.  I don’t settle for “good enough.”  I don’t believe in “at least I’m not that guy.”  I find “well, I did that and it was bad, but I could have been doing THIS,” wholly unacceptable.

So, I’m turning this in on myself.  The written word is my craft, and I take to task those that I feel are disrespecting their talent  Up until recently, I was extremely vocal about which genres and authors I would not read and why.  I could get on my literary high horse and implore readers to demand better and fight the literary good fight.  But I’m imploring them to supplement it with what?  All the brilliant. Stories. I’ve. Never. Written. The difference between me and “them?”  They had the gumption to get published.  So, rather than wasting my time belittling what others do, it is incumbent upon me to grind, and if I have a problem with what’s out there, I need to set a new standard.

And the reason it’s been a while since I’ve posted is because it’s gotten real in the field for me.  My goal was to be published by 32, and I turn 33 in a little over a month.  Do not think for have a moment that 34 will catch me unpublished.

I’ve also climbed back into bed with my first love, poetry, and I’ve let him get to third base.  Things look very promising, and I’m working on something now that has me in a tizzy.

The revolution may not be televised, but it will damn sure have a by-line.

That bewitching Emerald Fairy April 23, 2009

When it comes to seasons, Autumn is like my committed lover, but Spring is that mysterious someone who casts longing glances at me when my man is away on business.  Naughty spring.  The smell of freshly cut grass awakens my restless wanderlust from hibernation.  My best writing takes place in the spring because I set Finge and The ‘Bug loose in the park and write for hours on end.  It’s alfresco happy hours with my girls, while appreciating the fellas showing their various assets (biceps and deltoids and pecs, oh my!), set free from bulky sweaters and long sleeve shirts.  How can you not love Spring?  This Sunday we’re going to our first cookout of the season and I can’t WAIT.  I’m searching for the perfect sangria recipe, so if you have one, please share.

So, here are ten reasons to love Spring:

1.  Linen – Can you miss with this fabric?  There’s something about it that looks crisp and fresh.  Whether you’re male or female, a simple linen outfit with clean lines has the power to make you irresistable.

2.  Picnics/Cookouts – I love the togetherness that eating outdoors fosters.  Even when it’s nighttime, and you’re all huddled around citronella candles to escape bugs, it’s just the best.  It’s relaxing, it’s familial, it’s perfect.

3.  Wifebeaters – Okay, now, not everyone has the body for this garment, but if you do, it’s smokin.  The Amethyst Rockstar (oh yes, she is in full effect) can not resist eyeballing a fine ass man in a wife beater.  Yes…he might rob me, but I’ll be able to render a full report to the police, because I promise he has been thoroughly examined.

4.  Rolling down your windows – I love wind in my hair.  I love the feeling of being connected to what’s going on outside, catching snippets of bus stop gossip or other people’s music.  I’ve spent all winter closed off from the cold, and in effect, other people, so by spring, I’m chomping at the bit to get in strangers’ business.

5.  Spring Ale – Do I have to elaborate on this?  Do I need a reason?  Refreshing beer. Mmmmmmm!  Maybe with a big fat orange slice in it.  MMMMMMMMM!

6.  Sandals – I loooooooooooove to let my feet breathe.  I kind of hate confinement, and this REALLY applies for shoes.

7.  Sundresses – One of the best creations ever.  Theyre comfortable as can be and men go crazy for them.  This is really win-win.

8.  Weekend trips – It’s not quite summer, so the kids are still in school, but you can still get that quickie teaser getaway in.  Leave out Friday night, and return late (late, late) Sunday night.  Of course Monday, you’re tired as all hell, but it was totally worth it.

9.  Fun school stuff – My kids’ school has all sorts of fun activites for the kids and families, including “Kids’ Night Out.”  This is a night where you drop your kids off, they get them hopped up on popcorn, juice, video games and maybe crack, and you go about your damned business for like 3 hours.  BEST.  SHIT.  EVER!

10.  Events – Outdoor concerts, festivals, fairs…I’m kicking my feet out of sheer joy just thinking about it!

I’m already there, I’ve just got one question:

“Who’s comin’ with me?  C’mon!  WHO’S COMIN?!

JAN!  THANK YOU JAN!!!”

Good Friends April 6, 2009

This past weekend, I brought my kiddies to Atlanta so that their dad and I could perform a kiddie hand off.  As luck has it, one of my oldest and dearest friends lives in the A, so I got the opportunity to reconnect with her.   For the purposes of this blog, I’ll call her “Charlotte” , since she puts me in the mind of Charlotte* of “Sex & the City.”

It was just beautiful.  Whenever I look at the people I consider my friends, I never think, “Did I choose well?”  We reminisced, had heart to hearts, danced, laughed, almost cried a little.  When you build a friendship, step away, and pick up where you left off, that, precious, is love.  First Puppy Love, now Charlotte.  I wonder who’s next.

*Charlotte’s reaction is precisely what my friend would have done in this situation:

The Luscious March 7, 2009

To say that this week has been tumultuous would be an understatement.  It started off with a snowstorm.  More specifically, it started off with me driving to the metro in a snowstorm, with my two children in tow.  Can I tell you that I almost wrecked the Hyundai with the butterfly doors?  I’ve had only a few butt puckering moments, but driving in that snowstorm with my chocolate treasures in the back seat definitely rank high on that list.

So Monday, I bring the babies to the gig with me; because if I’m going to be stuck anywhere in a snowstorm, it’s going to be with my babies!  We ended up staying at my job until 10 pm.  They watched television while Mama MADE THAT MONAAAAAY.  I came to the realization that part of the reason I go in to work is to get peace.  Lord, I had to hear “Mama” all day long.  it damn near took me out of this world.  I spent half the time suppressing the urge to say “Sit your monkey ass down and let me hustle up this video game money!”  Since I worked so late, not only did my children get to eat on the firm, but they also got the firm’s contracted car service to ride us to the parking lot.  They were really feeling like big shit.

Tuesday was another story.  I may or may not have discussed this here, but my sister was recently married.  now, I do not typically put too much of my business here, and I will afford the same courtesy to my sister.  However, I will say this.  Her husband got out of pocket in a MAJOR way.  I mean a way that has caused great concerns on several levels.  In my humble/royal opinion, the situation did not really “resolve.”  And the way it did come to a conclusion disturbed me greatly.  As much as I want my sister to succeed, I do not have positive feelings about this man, and I would feel like less than a sister if I did not express that.  She does read my blog from time to time, so I’m sure she knows that I’m coming from a place of love.  I’m also not saying anything here that I did not say to her.

Now, I can give him the benefit of the doubt, in that he knows neither me, nor how I operate, but I did have to provide a crash course.  I don’t like confrontation, and I don’t like conflict.  But there are times in your life where you have to pull out the bud nippers and sasy, “I want to give of myself, but you are encroaching on what is mine, and I need you to return to your corner.”  Because there are people who do not know what the boundaries are.  I’m sure that it had an impact on our relationship, but when something has to be said, it has to be said.  I carried that shit on my shoulders until last night, which also bothered me, because I pride myself on being the bounceback kid.

So last night, Artemis gave me a call, and i was SOOOOOO glad to hear from her.  It had probably been over a week since we had spoken. We chewed the fat and I came to a realization.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have returned to The Luscious.  For those of you who don’t know what the Luscious is, it’s a state of heart and mind.  It’s my walk, my talk, my aura and my swag.  The Luscious is how I embrace my friends, and repel what ain’t mine.  I told my sister, “You know, i’ve got a long way to go, but it’s hard for me to explain how happy I am.  And I know that whatever I’m feeling, it’s deep, because on the surface, I have no reason to be any happier than I would be on any other average Thursday.”  Yall, I’m smiling when I wake up, I’m putting on the colorful lipgloss.  I’m buttering my body to delicious softness on a regular basis.  The kid is BACK.  And I don’t know when I came back, but let me tell you:  TIME IS A HEALER.

And the reason I know that the Luscious is in full swing, the bees are buzzin around this honey.  And I just don’t mean men in a sexual manner.  I mean I’m on the page with my friends.  My kids and I are having some of our greatest times ever.  I’m even connecting with strangers.  Last week, I was reloading my SmarTrip card, and i got into a brief, but very friendly conversation, with a lady at the machine.  We laughed and talked as we waited in line and conducted our business.  As we parted, she shook my hand and said, “What’s your name?”  I told her, and that really touched my heart.  In that brief conversation, that lady felt enough of a good spirit in me that she wanted to shake my hand, and learn my name in the event that she would see me again.  I know some might think I’m crazy, but in a world where everybody and their grandmammy wants to get all in your shit, there’s somethign that did my heart good in knowing that lady just wanted to know who I was.  That made me feel very beautiful.

Part of this healing has enabled me to reconnect with old friends.  I’ve been in regular contact with two of my homegirls from high school.  One of my dearest friends and I have a promise to meet for lunch at least once a month, given we both live in the DMV.  But a funny thing is that I reconnected with a person that I believed would never again be in my life. I spoke to *gasp Him.

Oh yes, precious, “Him”.  My puppy love.  I once thought that the sun rose and set on his very ass.  I finally had the opportunity to apologize.  I don’t have a lot of bad karma under my belt, but the way things happend between he and I, yeah…he was owed a weighty apology.

But the beautiful thing about talking to him wasn’t that I was talking to my old boyfriend.  I was laughing and joking with my FRIEND.  Because you see, even without the relationship, this dude was my friend, and I lost that.  Have you ever lost a friend. I don’t mean that bitch that you sometimes get a drink with and fight over men.  I don’t mean that dude you play Madden with and you occasionally smoke up his weed.  I mean, have you lost the friend who KNEW you? Your idiosyncrasies, your fears, your buttons?  I lost my friend.  And the worst part is that it was really something I caused.  Joking with my friend is like finding a 20 in a hidden flap in your purse on a non payday Friday.

What’s my point?  Love, in all its forms, is a beautiful thing.  And The Luscious thinks that there’s nothing more delicious than love.  If I keep up with all this positive energy, The Luscious is gonna get fat.

Kool Aid Grin January 13, 2009

Hey guys! This year, I’ve hit the ground running.  I can’t say that all my “problems” are “solved,” but all of my solutions are in play, and I’m definitely a broad with a plan.  I came to the point that 2008, though a rough year was so necessary.  At one point in time I thought that I needed things to be good for me, because I had gone through so much in my life, I didn’t know how much more I had left.

Well, through meditation, prayer, and visualizing who I am, I see that there are probably a lot more storms that will come my way, and I’ve got the stuff to make it through ALL of them.  I recently read a book about breaking down, and it said that when you allow yourself to break down, it becomes a habit.  That was so powerful to me, because I spend so much time being strong and trying to be the backbone, I trick myself into believing that I am allowed a “little breakdown” every now and then.

Life has never been cake for me.  I doubt quite seriously that’s going to change.  I know that my “happy” is waiting for me, but when you get down to brass tacks, I’m a happy woman now.  Sure I’m surly, aggressive, and maybe just a little brash; but I’m HAPPY.  I have good days and bad days, ups and downs.  But when things come out in the wash, I’m tremendously blessed.

That being said, my book.  For those of you who have been supportive of me, I really appreciate you.  For those of you who have inspired me, I appreciate you.  I know that if certain things, good and bad, had not transpired, I would not have been motivated toward my goal, so I’m just thankful for my life.  I’m just having one of those days where I feel like every positive step has me at the threshold of something great.  It’s a good feeling.  It’s a really good feeling.

Who’s got two thumbs and was rocking out to Journey this morning? January 12, 2009

THIS CHICK!!!!

May I also say that I am wearing the most spectacular pair of high heeled boots and the most divine plumish, fuschia lipstick? Oh yeah, swagger tank is on FULL.

“Your kisses are as wicked as an M16…” October 28, 2008

This is a very teriffic song, and I think this will make up for my not posting yesterday.  I’ve got about ten drafts, so hopefully I’ll finish one of them today.  I’ve been a little selfish and doing some work on my own projects, because, one of my wise friends recently told me, “If I were you, I would be taking myself very seriously right about now.”  I think I’m paraphrasing, but you get the point.

Amethyst October 25, 2008

That pic defines me to a tee – all purple, and fiery at the center.  Four weeks to go until my 32nd throw-down.  I’ve got the hot outfit and the HAWTER shoes.  My daughter is very excited about me going out and having fun.  Partially because she’s going to spend the night at my coworker’s house (whom she loves) and partially because, “You know, you need to make sure you have fun mommy.”  I kind of take that to mean that I’ve been a good mother; but that also means, I’ve been a bad self.  I need to have some grown up fun too.  There are times I feel so much older than 31.  For me to have a memory in my life where I wasn’t taking care of someone, I would literally have to go back to kindergarten.  So, cheers to me for living like a young woman…even if it’s just for the night…a month from now.

I wanted to take my darlings to the Pumpkin Festival today, but it’s going to rain like the Dickens.  If worst comes to worst, I’ll take them to see “High School Musical 3″…and die a little inside.

I’m working on my weekend “MUST-Do” list, and it’s looking like no joke.  Busy weekends like this, I wish I had family close by…or at least a washer and dryer in my home.  Plus, I’m one of the slowest moving people you will ever meet.  My life’s cruise control is set on “Louisiana Country Pace” and the Fourth of July has to go off under my ass for me to get out of that.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to be taking a leisurely nap.  Then I plan to wake up, make a pot roast for dinner, and hang out with my homegirl Stella Artois.  I also think I’m going to watch Reservoir Dogs.  I’m not sure how long I’ve had the DVD, but I’ve never watched the movie.  Don’t judge me.  I feel sort of weird about not having posted yesterday, but ah well, I’m sure I’ll make up for it today.

Excogitations of a Post Modern Maverick October 22, 2008

I had a post all planned out.  It was a little morose, because I had a HELLACIOUS morning.  Life’s clusterfucks should not be allowed to rear their ugly heads prior to 10:45.  So I was roaming around, feeling all blue about this that and the third.  (I had only gotten to positive visualization #2 before the morning went to shit.)  So I sat at this very computer, and composed the most beautifully worded tale of woe typed by human fingers.  Were I able to detach myself from myself, I probably would have given myself some ass after reading it.  Such a tender soul is truly deserving of the utmost affection, right?  And yet, just as I was about to click “Publish”, I paused and said, “Bitch, you are NOT about to post this shit.”  Yes.  I call myself a bitch in my inner monologue.  I decided to wait until after I ate, and if I was still feeling the same after lunch, I would post it.  Thank God for sauteed spinach and grilled chicken.

I’m giving myself 12 months to get it together.  So, in honor of my birthday, one of my presents to myself is…myself.  I’m giving myself my undivided attention.  That includes celibacy, which means, by extension in 2008, I probably won’t be dating.  (Mark, I swear if you make one comment, I’m going to hunt you down and make you eat your underwear.)  For those who have scoffed, I successfully did this a few years back.  I met, and exceeded the allotted time (because, let’s be honest, after you’ve been keeping it to yourself for a year, when that time has elapsed, you don’t exactly fling it off the back of a truck).  I remember dating a charming guy during that time, who graciously said, “I respect what you’re doing, and that’s cool, as long as I’m not the only one you’re not giving it to.”  That lasted for a couple of weeks.  (I’ll give you guys credit.  Sometimes, you start out with some really good intentions.)

Today, I finished reading a book that really had me going, until I got to the end.  I’m sure I will be quoting it in the coming months, but it kind of took the wind out of my sails.  I was really pulling for her, because I drew so much from my own experience.  But the end sort of said, “You’re fooling yourself kid.  Every chick wants that, and the more you try to pull away from it, the more you’ll want it to.  Stop wasting your time.”  Eventually, I’ll post something that will make sense of this paragraph.  In theory, I could now, but I’m tired of blogging.  And I have to pee.

just b