There comes a time… December 5, 2008

…when you think, “It would have been easier if I would have just slapped that ho.”

…when the only support you’re getting is from your bra.  And one of the straps broke.

…when you realize that passing the blame isn’t all bad.  That time usually comes when you fart in a crowd.

…when recognize even those you love the most are deeply flawed.

…when you recognized that you’re pretty raggedy too.

…when you realize that the previous two aren’t to be forgiven or endured, but to be embraced as part of a real life.

…when a you (man AND woman) realize that a lot of your relationship problems stem from wanting your mate to “act right.”

…when you ignore the fact that you don’t act right your damn self.

…when you turn into your parents and you couldn’t be feel more proud.

…when you realize that love comes in many forms, and if you’re merely limiting it to a ring box, you’ve missed the entire point.

…when you learn that inappropriate humor is often the funniest.

…when you think the dimples in your butt give it character.

…when you would still buy cellulite cream regardless.  Leave the characters for cartoons.

…when you realize that true wisdom lies in admitting what you don’t know.

…when you realize that the time you wasted worrying about the opinions of others is time you wasted.  Period.

…when your child does the same crap you did, and you want to give your parents a rhodium trophy for not yanking a knot out of your ass on an hourly basis.

…when you realize that you DON’T have haters.  Not real ones.  You ain’t Jigga.  You are a bookkeeping clerk.  Somebody poured honey in your calculator?  Then you’re cool.  Chill out.

“Missed it by that much” (c) Maxwell Smart November 6, 2008

I* almost let a day pass without blogging or writing.  Still not sure if I’ll be able to get my write on, but I’ve gotta at least blog.

Who saw South Park last night?  “Celebrate Good Obama! Come on!”  Did he really sing “Obama” to the tune of Mandy?  Like, for real?  It’s beyond hilarious.

I believe my children are now losing their minds.  For the last couple of days, I’ve had to repeat myself three times.  Now, I put great effort into not being a shreiking harpy 24/7, but tonight I told them to scrape their plates and brush their teeth.  Nobody budged.  This was after nobody budged when I told them to take the garbage out while I was cooking dinner.  I didn’t go shreiking harpy, but I did put my “I will snatch a knot out your ass,” voice on.  First of all, I have NO earthly clue how one goes about snatching a knot out of someone’s ass, nor do I know how one would get a knot in their ass.  I just know that when my mother said it to me, I got the feelng it would end with me on life support?

There was a report about childen being safer staying with their grandparents as opposed to daycare.  So, on the one half of the argument, there’s “duh”.  The only person that could come close to taking care of a kid than mama, is mama’s mama.  Plus, if you’ve got grandparents like mine, the kid won’t be around anything sharp, won’t watch anything above a G rating (it doesn’t even matter if you’re 25), and will be pumped so full of bran, you’ll be able to set your watch by their bowels.  Daycare is expensive as hell, so typically, if a kid is in daycare, that means that the parent probably doesn’t have the option of grandparent care for one reason or another.  Who funds these studies?  I’m goign to conduct a study.  If you take laxatives, you’re gonna poop.  A lot.  Fuck you.  Pay me.

The puns on CSI are positively abysmal.  No story there.  I like certain aspects of the show, but, ugh.

So, I was planning to go to to South Africa next year, possibly around Christmas.  Nine days in the Motherland.  It would give me a break between my other vacations.  However, since I don’t want the schedule of others, I’d have to go alone, creating a considerable expense.  Combine that with the shitty economy and my employer telling me that I will not be receiving a bonus this year (and I’m presuming a raise next year, I’m no dummy) as a result of that shitty economy, and you have a postponed visit to Table Mountain.  I was also going to spend the day in Zambia and see Victoria Falls.    Correction, I AM going to spend the day in Zambia and see Victoria Falls; it just may be postponed.  That being said, I’ve peeped out a charming hotel within walking distance to the Eiffel Tower that would look delightful wrapped around me.

The exciting reaction I had over the Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game was embarrassing.  i got so geeked, my kid looked at me and asked, “Do you really care about stuff like that?”  I’m fairly certain ones kids should not outgrow them.

I love teh Brooke Sheilds Routan commercials.  Priceless.  it’s like she’s saying “Suck it Cruise!”

You know what word I like for genitals?  “Junk.”  Especailly when said with the right inflection.  Yeah…junk.  Heh heh.

Random acts of factuality October 30, 2008

Seven Things I Like

1.  My kids’ sense of humor

2.  Classic Saturday Night Live (Murphy, Radner, Chase, Belushi)

3. Purple “M’s”  – Whether it’s a book mark, post its or whatever, if I see a purple “M”, I must purchase it.

4.  Watching new mothers and babies acquaint themselves with one another (That “I know you” look is just the most precious thing ever.)

5.  Ice in my cereal

6.  Turning brown in the summer

7.  Driving with the moon

Seven Things I Sort Of Envy In People

1.  People with big eyes (I love eyeshadow, yet I have such small space in which to put it)

2.  Borderline obnoxious tech savvy

3.  Size 7.5 shoes

4.  Poker faces

5.  Frugal mind sets

6.  Perpetual optimists

7.  Serene voices

Seven Things (Not People) I Can’t Do Without

1. At least one novel

2. A notebook

3.  A pen

4.  A thesaurus

5.  Coffee

6.  My iPod

7.  Lipgloss

Seven Bad Habits I Am Working to Change

1.  Bored gnoshing

2.  Nervous nail trimming

3.  Not adhering to a sleep/wake schedule

4. Cussing

5.  Forgetting to wash my face before I go to bed at night

6.  Seeing projects through to completion

7.  Skipping the gym

Seven Celebs I Consider the Bees Knees In Style

1.  Dita Von Teese (The word “immaculate” comes to mind)

2.  Sean Combs

3.  Shawn Carter

4.  Angela Basset

5.  Rhianna

6.  Charlize Theron

7.  Gabrielle Union (does she ever have a bad anything day?)

Seven Things I Would Change About the World

1.  Socialism would not be a dirty word.  I believe that if a man works hard, he should unapologetically reap the reward of said work.  However, I also believe in a moral obligation to help those who can not help themselves.

2.  “I would open every cell in Attica, send them to Africa.”  Maybe not EVERY cell, but the psychological impact of not knowing where you are from is mind blowing.  This little blurb would do no justice to my rationale, so I’ll bookmark this thought for a future post.

3.  Higher education would not be viewed as a luxury.

4.  Swimming pools in the hood.  Far too many of our black children don’t know how to swim and it’s partially because they have no access to pools.

5.  No more fat hairy guys in porn – except maybe for fat hairy guy fetish porn.  Everybody is liked by somebody, right?

6.  I would commission the top scientists to work on the perfect strapless bra for the busty woman

7.  Three words:  self cleaning windows.

Seven Authors I Adore

1.  James Baldwin

2.  Toni Morrison

3.  William Shakespeare

4.  J. California Cooper

5.  James Patterson

6.  Alice Walker

7.  Nikki Giovanni

Seven Favorite Past-times (That Do NOT Involve My Children, Reading or Writing)

1.  Flirting (It makes me all warm and tingly.)

2.  Playing with makeup (I don’t need it, but I love to have fun with it.)

3.  Watching cartoons (I had a well stocked Disney collection long before I had children)

4.  Cooking (I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE to cook delicious meals…the cleaning up, not so much)

5.  Starting conversations with strangers.  Nothing keeps my confabulatory shit quick like bantering with someone I’ve never met.  Sometimes, I even learn a little bit.

6.  Shopping.  Duh…I have a vagina.

7.  Cussing (Yes.  I realize the contradiction.  It’s just that I’m so muthafucking artful with the shit.)

Seven Things I Like About Myself

1.  I’m brave.

2.  I’m direct.  You don’t have to wonder with me.  If I dislike you, you know it.  If I love you, you know it.  If I’ve gotta fart, you know it.  You know these things, because, if the opportunity presents itself, I tell you.

3.  For some reason, I have athletic calves and I don’t think they look too shabby in skirts.

4.  I love to look out for people.

5.  My smile could melt the polar ice cap.

6.  I’m smart as hell.

7.  I’m ambitious and determined.

Seven Things I Changed My Mind About

1.  Money – I’ve had little and I’ve had lots.  I was still Mel on the inside.  Plus, there have been times of little where I never felt more loved, and times of plenty where I never felt more lonely.  There’s more to life, and I’ve just gotta roll with the punches.

2.  Marriage – Once I saw an old couple in the mall with matching Pistons windbreakers (is that not the most hilarious term) and Shell Toes.  They were incredibly cute, and it tugged at the part of me that really yearned for that sort of thing.  But nobody’s guaranteed that.  At least when I’m single, I know where I stand.  Once I end my celibacy, I’ll just occasionally take a lover and be done with it.

3.  Lil Wayne – It’s a New Orleans thing.  To quote Stewie Griffin, “I don’t have to fucking impress you.”

4.  Sushi – Five years ago, if you would have told me that I would be chowing on raw fish like it had “the antidote,” I would have called you a liar.  The same goes for calamari and rabbit.

5.  Pet Ownership – That’s some old bullshit.  I’m not interested in taking care of living things that do not speak in complete sentences.

6.  John McCain – I once believed that he was an admirable person with whom I only had conflicting views.  Who knew he was an ass puppet.

7.  Myself – I think I’m stronger than I know, if that makes sense.

Seven Things In Store for 2009

1. Barack Obama’s Inauguration

2.  Winning the Boston Review Short Story contest

3.  My first trip to South Africa

4.  Preparing to purchase my first home

5.  Going to my friends’ wedding (and showing much thigh on the beach) in Cancun.

6.  Becoming conversational in French.

7.  Finishing my SECOND novel.

Early Morning Meanderings October 14, 2008

For the second day in a row, I woke up too early.  This morning, at least, I made it to almost 5 am.  I’m also battling a cold.  Yaaaaaaaaay insomnia and snot!!  *blank stare*

I moan in my sleep.  I’ve been told that they noise occasionally borders on the obscene.  I wonder what other sounds I make?  More importantly, do I fart in my sleep?  This may seem unimportant to some, but I’m all for handing out the caveats, ya know?  “Dude, I’m pretty kick ass, but after lights out, I can blow the sheets to the roof.”  Don’t know how well that would go over.

There’s this iced tea that I’ve only had in Shreveport, LA named Red Diamond.  Would driving to Louisiana for tea be unreasonable?

i have SOOOOO fallen off the diet/exercise wagon.  GRRRR.  Probably should have spent this early morning blogging time packing my gym bag, right?  Yeah…

Can I just break in and say OMG! so much SNOT!

Am I the only person that cries at the end of every episode of “Cold Case Files?”  EVERY episode.  Isn’t this show meant for people that are like, a hundred?  I’m not so sure this is good for them.

Six times in the last 24 hours, I’ve felt the need to say, “You REALLY need to ge that bitch up out you.”

Last night, I was talking to one of my girlfriends who accompanied me on the cruise (OMG she has the best gossip!) and we were laughing about all of our misadvantures.  We’ve known each other for well over 25 years.  One day, I’ll have to share with you the tale of the girls’ night out when the toothless man took off his wedding ring for me and gave me $3 to buy a drink.  Really.  And I worry about being single.  Silly girl. *blank stare again*

Sunny side up eggs.  Who eats them?  I ALWAYS see them advertised on TV, but I’ve been to Silver Diner, Kettle, Waffle House, IHOP, Denny’s AND Shoney’s, and I have never ONCE seen a plate of sunny side up eggs.  Not once.  Not in my party.  Not in the restaurant.  Lame.

There’s still a lot of snot going on here.

Azure October 9, 2008

I have been slim on the posting for the last two days.  Tuesday I wrote and didn’t post.  Yesterday, I didn’t write at all.  I was a little blue.  Blue enough that I didn’t even feel like writing or fighting through it.  But don’t cry for me, Argentina.  There’s a time and place for everything, and that includes being a little blue.  Sometimes, you have to just let it have its time, and get out of your system.

So today, I woke up a little bit better.  A little more smiley.  I still didn’t feel like putting makeup on though.  Sometimes, I have to put that diva shit on PAUSE.  No one turned to stone, and I still smell nice, so I think I can put that in the “W” column.

Have any of you seen that Ikea commercial with the black lady that has the raspy voice?  Who IS she?!  If someone were to roll up on me with that voice, all uninvited and whatnot.  For some reason, she makes me think of Scatman Crothers in “The Shining.”  Just a creepy quality that I can’t quite put my finger on.

I have an unreasonable crush on T.I.  To the point that I can’t guarantee that I would not throw my underwear at him should we meet.  He’s got this song called “Porn Star” and…you know what?  Next topic.

So, how bout them Saints?  Why the fuck are we playing injured kickers during CRUCIAL field goal attempts.  How the fuck did we lose to Minnesota in the ‘Dome.  If some New Orleanian non-Saints lover talks shit on this topic, I will hunt you down and do unspeakable things to you.

Who watched South Park last night?  I can’t wait to use the term “dick shooter” in conversation.  I haven’t even decided its context.  I just know that it must be done.

Am I the only one that was waiting for McCain to keel over during Tuesday night’s debate?  I just remember thinking, “I’m missing frigging SVU for this?!”

When people say, “Ugh, I don’t even watch TV anymore,” in that self satisfied way, am I the only person that wants to punch them in the balls?  Or the boob?  There’s nothing cool about you.  In my mind, you smell poorly, because you haven’t watched commercials, so you don’t know what great strides science has made in wetness and odor protection.  You and your 1987 Speed Stick.  I bite my thumb at you.

In closing, I would like to quote the great WASP philosopher, Peter Griffin, “Ladies and Gentlemen:  Testicles.  That is all.”

just b

*Let’s pray that I have something more substantive to discuss tomorrow.

“Betta bring ya cape, cuz she bringin that Kryptonite…” September 24, 2008

Dear Miss Entitled Asshat that seemed to be angered because I happend to merge in front of her and followed my car in front of my children’s day care to scream something unintelligible out the window, then sped off: you just fandangoed with a Grade A ass whupping. Now, I know these days, yall don’t want to be bullied and take jujitsu and all that other tricky shit. However, here’s a little something you might want to know: I don’t like to be accosted either. I also keep something under the driver’s seat for individuals that choose to accost me. I don’t even have to pop the trunk hatchback on your ass. Do you really want to see my black ass reenact the controversial ending of Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” video on your car? Don’t get fucked up.

The coffee at my job? I hate it. I hate the way it tastes, I hate the way it smells. I’m also not a fan of coffee at the mega-shops (Starbucks, Caribou, for my New Orleans peeps, PJ’s). However, I need coffee. I need coffee as bad as Jazmine Sullivan needs that man that she needs bad as a heartbeat. I’ve polled my friends and family, and they say this makes me a crackhead.

Know what’s sexy? Getting eye-fucked on the train while my kids are sitting next to me. Being eyeballed like a slab of meat is such a turn-on. And by “sexy” and “turn-on,” I mean disgusting, creepy and slightly pitiful. I have given BIRTH. I am a sacred vessel bitch! RECOGNIZE!

Headhunters have been calling my phone. MERCILESSLY. My pocket says answer. I’ve never done a lateral move for salary. I’m also looking at the economy NOT getting better. I remember being a victim of last hired first fired post 9/11. Not cool. Granted, I have developed a far more marketble skill since then, but the fact remains that I’m not a fan of job hopping. My stability has served me well thus far. I’m not a “company” chick, but I certainly don’t want to go anywhere the wind (or paycheck) blows me, just for the sake of a few extra bucks. Some may say I’m loyal to a fault; others that I’m a flat out idiot.

My bunion hurts. The fact that I have one at all really fucks with me.

I try not to say “fuck” so much, but sometimes, it just feels so fucking good.

When I went on tour, Bubble looked like a tornado hit it. It feels so good to have that part of my universe back in order again.

Planning a birthday party is not as easy as it seems, but it is certainly keeping me busy. There WILL be dark rum at said party. Lots and lots of it.

A friend called me the other night and commented on my chipper mood. My secret? Dark rum. LOTS of dark rum.

Being astute and observant can sometimes be a curse. There are times that I just don’t want to be right about people or situations. Unfortunately, that’s rare. Even when I ignore what I’m feeling, in my gut, I tend to know how things are going to pan out. It makes it hard to enjoy life sometimes, but I do my damnedest to enjoy it anyway. My smile makes the sun come out, man. It would be selfish to deprive folks.

Just B

P.S. – I missed you guys yesterday. I had to be on my grind for all three of my gigs, so I completed a post, but didn’t finish. The reason I hate that is because I often abandon the idea of the post entirely for one reason or another. Blast!