“When givin’ up’s way harder than tryin'” (c) Kanye West

I woke up this morning feeling just a little off.  Even after I said my prayers, thanking God for another day, I was still a little blue.  So I really amped myself up, like you wouldn’t believe.  Music, joking with the kids, positive thoughts.  I even threw mascara and my favorite lip gloss into the mix.  Still, snake eyes.

So I came out of the parking garage, and the sun hit my face, and it was just such a beautiful feeling.  So I tell myself, “Whatever it is, shake it off.  It’s going to be gorgeous today.”  As I proceed across the street, still feeling off, but trying to get into the veritable “climb every mountain” playlist I’ve got on my iPod, and as I stepped up on the curb…

BUSTED

MY

ASS.

Usually, falls don’t bother me.  I’ve never been particularly graceful and ladylike in the maneuvering department.  However, to fall in a crowd of people, and have all my books and notebooks and magazines scattered everywhere, so uncool.  Fortunately, I didn’t bust the knees out of my pants or anything like that, but it was still a pain in the ass.

Typically, when I fall, I laugh at myself.  I’m not sure if it’s out of embarrassment, or because I’m always party to shenanigans of some sort.  I couldn’t wring a laugh out of myself this time.  Not even a chuckle.  Because today, my falling just really isn’t funny.  Whenever I make headway, it’s like the universe puts me in check and says “Sit down, bitch!”  And the thing is, I don’t even think I know how to sit down.  Not now.  Not when I was two and in a body cast.  I can’t stay down.  I remember being in a fight, and getting my ass thoroughly whipped by a chick three times my size.  But I wouldn’t go down, because in my mind, I could lose, but that behemoth was going to earn that fucking victory dance.  (And no, this is not a feel good story about how I gained her respect and we became friends.  If I see that bitch in the street TO-MOR-ROW, I’m diving on her.)

I don’t mind the struggle, because, if I weren’t struggling, I promise you, I’m not sure what I would be doing.  But sometimes, I just want things to work out.  I know everyone has their own shit to deal with, but sometimes, I look at other people’s lives, and they almost seem charmed.  I know people, and I’m not even talking rich people, but just regular ass people that seem to have life handed to them on the regular.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful (and I guess that means I know that I do), because I have two beautiful healthy kids, and people would kill for that.  But I scrape and struggle, and I can barely see how I’m gonna get my kid the skateboard and gear he wants for his birthday.  And what makes that suck even MORE is the fact that if I can’t get it, he won’t say shit about it, so my great kid learns that the reward for being a stand up cat is…being a stand up cat.

My point?  I dunno.  I’m just in a foul mood.  So I have one of two choices:  take it out on everyone around me (ugh), or sound off here, in my spot.  I think I made the better choice.