“When givin’ up’s way harder than tryin'” (c) Kanye West

I woke up this morning feeling just a little off.  Even after I said my prayers, thanking God for another day, I was still a little blue.  So I really amped myself up, like you wouldn’t believe.  Music, joking with the kids, positive thoughts.  I even threw mascara and my favorite lip gloss into the mix.  Still, snake eyes.

So I came out of the parking garage, and the sun hit my face, and it was just such a beautiful feeling.  So I tell myself, “Whatever it is, shake it off.  It’s going to be gorgeous today.”  As I proceed across the street, still feeling off, but trying to get into the veritable “climb every mountain” playlist I’ve got on my iPod, and as I stepped up on the curb…




Usually, falls don’t bother me.  I’ve never been particularly graceful and ladylike in the maneuvering department.  However, to fall in a crowd of people, and have all my books and notebooks and magazines scattered everywhere, so uncool.  Fortunately, I didn’t bust the knees out of my pants or anything like that, but it was still a pain in the ass.

Typically, when I fall, I laugh at myself.  I’m not sure if it’s out of embarrassment, or because I’m always party to shenanigans of some sort.  I couldn’t wring a laugh out of myself this time.  Not even a chuckle.  Because today, my falling just really isn’t funny.  Whenever I make headway, it’s like the universe puts me in check and says “Sit down, bitch!”  And the thing is, I don’t even think I know how to sit down.  Not now.  Not when I was two and in a body cast.  I can’t stay down.  I remember being in a fight, and getting my ass thoroughly whipped by a chick three times my size.  But I wouldn’t go down, because in my mind, I could lose, but that behemoth was going to earn that fucking victory dance.  (And no, this is not a feel good story about how I gained her respect and we became friends.  If I see that bitch in the street TO-MOR-ROW, I’m diving on her.)

I don’t mind the struggle, because, if I weren’t struggling, I promise you, I’m not sure what I would be doing.  But sometimes, I just want things to work out.  I know everyone has their own shit to deal with, but sometimes, I look at other people’s lives, and they almost seem charmed.  I know people, and I’m not even talking rich people, but just regular ass people that seem to have life handed to them on the regular.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful (and I guess that means I know that I do), because I have two beautiful healthy kids, and people would kill for that.  But I scrape and struggle, and I can barely see how I’m gonna get my kid the skateboard and gear he wants for his birthday.  And what makes that suck even MORE is the fact that if I can’t get it, he won’t say shit about it, so my great kid learns that the reward for being a stand up cat is…being a stand up cat.

My point?  I dunno.  I’m just in a foul mood.  So I have one of two choices:  take it out on everyone around me (ugh), or sound off here, in my spot.  I think I made the better choice.


10 responses to ““When givin’ up’s way harder than tryin'” (c) Kanye West

  1. When I fall, I lay on my back, point at myself…directly at my eyes, and laugh HYSTERICALLY….Joker-like….until tears come out of my eyes. Folks usually stop laughing and look at me as if something’s wrong (which is probably a really normal reaction to someone as abnormal as myself).

    I promise…I too know the charmed ones; the cats who always land on their feet. I used to be INSANELY jealous of my boy who has always seemed to have the world handed to him. Nowadays, I try to instead focus on my blessings, and don’t fault him for his…though, to this day, he still always lands on his feet. Keep ya head up, Breez.

  2. check it:

    i don’t fault them. i don’t begrudge them. if i ruled the world, right after the freeing all my sons, i’d want everyone to be happy. real talk. i hate to see people stressing. i’m not even the type of person that likes to see people “get theirs.” i’d much rather see them “get their shit together.”

    i don’t even think why not me INSTEAD of them. i just wonder sometimes, “why not me?” it’s obvious that there’s more than enough to go around.

  3. What’s that saying…an obstacle in your path means you’re going somewhere? Yeah.

    Um…I can’t help it…so would Joe Namath say you were Strug-a-LIIIIIING?

  4. Peace,

    OK. Real quick. I was walking up the stairwell of an apartment building one time. I had both my hands in my pockets. Two of my friends and three girls (one of whom I was deeply interested in) were with us. Suddenly, I felt myself falling forward. I tried like hell to get my hands out of my pockets to catch myself but I couldn’t. What’s bad is that I must have been falling in slow motion, because I was trying to get them bitches out FOREVER. Anyway, BAM! Hit the goddamned ground. And had to listen to roughly two whole hours of laughter at my expense shortly thereafter.

    I hope you feel better, Sis. BTW, how many aliases do you have now?

  5. my great kid learns that the reward for being a stand up cat is…being a stand up cat.

    Hahahaha! Yeah well, I’m not saying it ain’t true but it is a bit fucked up nonetheless, isn’t it? Still, you won’t get any sympathy from me on that one. Just wait until he and Little Miss Sunshine become moody teenagers. Trust me, I wish I had a pool full of holy water that I could just baptize VanGoghGirl in every morning.

    In all seriousness, I know you have had some hip issues in the past. Has it been giving you any problems or was this just a random thing? Holler at me. I’ve got so much drama to tell you about.


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