CNN…AIN’T GOT SHIT…ON ME!

So we’re almost there.  The day that will have the entire world looking at the United States.  So let’s chat a bit lambs.

There are a whole lot of people that subscribe to this, “I’d like a president that I can have a beer with,” jazz.  *Family Feud buzzer*  Who wants this shit?  First of all, that statement ends in a preposition, so you’re fucking up out the gate.  But let’s not get hung up on minutiae.  I got problems yall.  If I wake up late and Pootie Tang is on, I’m watching it.  EVERY.  TIME.  I listen to Lil Wayne.  I was married to a guy that ate raw pasta.  I could go down a laundry list of shit that will let you know I shouldn’t even be able to relate to my garbage man.  It was said that this country celebrates the average, and it’s sadly true.  I respect humility as much as the next person (maybe even more than some), however, as a leader, someone should be able to stand up and say, “Uh…you know you done fucked up right?”

Enough with Joe the Plumber:  I first indict him for looking like a generalized douchebag that part times at Razzoo’s as a murderer bouncer.  But aesthetics aside, not only would dude benefit from Obama’s proposed tax plan (which is supposedly his rationale behind supporting McCain), but dude isn’t even a licensed plumber.  And the cherry on this shit sundae is that dude OWES $1200 in unpaid taxes.  Maybe if he watched more Boondocks and less Fox News, he would have known how unwise it is to show up on television when you owe folks money.  In the hood, if you owe a muhfukka $20.00, you better stay inside ’til your next payday.

Every time Sarah Palin speaks in public, Hanna Montana gets a money shot in the eye from the underwear model.  (I’m not sure that’s true, but I have seen nothing to disprove this theory.)  Am I the only one that finds it ironic that she criticizes Obama for his loose association with Ayers, and yet she hasn’t looked at her own running mate sideways for choosing a broad that doesn’t read and is obviously nutty as squirrel poop.  What?  You think she don’t know she’s crazy?

There is evidently a flyer going around saying that one party votes on the 4th and the other on the 5th.  Now, though I think this is positively deplorable, we do not live in the age of stage coaches and snail mail.  As annoying as 24 hour news is, damn near every station has some sort of countdown in effect.  Secondly, in my 31 years on this earth, “Election Day” has been the first Tuesday in November.  As a matter of fact, if you went to school, you got election day off, because, often, people were getting their vote on at your school.  So, to that I say, don’t be a dumbass.

And now ladies and gentlemens, I’m going to complete what Joe Biden couldn’t say after his “Obama will be tested” statement:

Look, I’m white, I know how some of ya’ll do.  Just like you manufacture all sorts of other shit *cough* war on terror *cough*, you’re gonna try and get this dude in some bullshit.  Just like yall like to hand the losing team to a black man, you’re handing this shit sandwich of a country to this dude and you’re gonna fuck with him.”

I’m sure that, were he allowed, he would address the fact that he has a 6 foot tall adoring wife that probably fights with her thumbs out.

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4 responses to “CNN…AIN’T GOT SHIT…ON ME!

  1. Hopefully, America will elect a president that’s sober behind the wheel this time. Our last “Drinking Buddy In Chief” has left this country effed the F up!

  2. Yep. You’re a writer. You should dedicate an entire blog to repeatedly asking, “Who wants this shit?” Good times, I assure you, would be had by all.

  3. And shame on you for being familiar with Miley Cyrus’ dating habits (although this very criticism, ironically enough, implicates me as well).

    One more thing: Teach me how to write some shit and then cross it out like you did in this glorious post.

  4. You know that song “Extravaganza” by Jamie Foxx? The one that goes “I’ve had one too many drinks/ and ended up at the Embassy/ With this pretty little thing, from Memphis, Tennessee/ it was a one extravaganza . . ” Well, replace Memphis Tennessee with Dallas, Texas and replace The Embasassy with *NAME WITHHELD* and you have the night that I had the last time I was at Razoo’s.

    RENEW ORLEANS YOU RAT BASTIDS!!!!!

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