“So much on my mind, I just can’t recline” (c) BlackStar

It’s 2:00 and I’m awake.  Probably shouldn’t have had that 9:00 cup of coffee.  But what did you expect?  Mr. McMahon came back to Monday Night Raw.  What the hell was I supposed to do.  PLUS, I have to watch tonight’s episode of 24.  I’m having entertainment overload.

The biggest thing in my life, however (besides the Chocolate Wonders), is my book.  I’m working hard guys.  I promise.  Since I began blogging (almost five years ago…WOW), I’ve been promising a book.  I’ve been so critical of what I write because my book is sort of my love letter to you.  It’s thanking you for putting up with my ups and downs, neuroses, idiosyncrasices and wild woman ramblings.  You don’t know how much it means to this regular chick that her words touch you.

The other day I did a meditation called “Heart Song.”  There comes a point that addresses sending healing energy to wherever you need it.  When I began to send it to my heart, I could feel my eyes well up.  It made me think of “Him.”  It made me realized that my heart was broken even before I met him, so what happened from that point on, really wasn’t his fault.  When you haven’t afforded yourself the amount of love you expect from others, you’re kind of fighting an uphill battle.  Scratch the “kind of,” you ARE.

The beauty in this is that I’m getting there.  I don’t “think” I’m getting there.  I’m getting there.  I feel happy.  Not sometimes.  Not just when I’m out the friends.  When i can’t shop, buy my kids the things they want, get my mani-pedi action on with the regularity I would like, I’m STILL happy.  When I’m home with my kids singing showtunes, I’m happy.  I know that I have a ways to go in my life, but this is the very first time I’ve felt this.  It’s this deep in my gut sensation that feels like it’s glowing.  Amethyst Rockstarism in full effect, if you will.

I keep realizing that I am still a young woman.  I’m actually too young to be as jaded as I seem to be.  In my prayers and meditation, I’ve let those jaded feelings go, and rather than focus on the bitterness that comes with the experience, I celebrate the wisdom.  I guess this seems like a lot of blather, but hell, this is my spot, so I can only think that you came here to read what I had to say.  Love, luck and lollipops.




6 responses to ““So much on my mind, I just can’t recline” (c) BlackStar

  1. Yes, happy, glowing–I’m feeling you! Anyway, I’d like to know from where are you getting these meditations. Sounds sweet like honey.

  2. I love what I see in you. I am inspired by your resilience and determination. We all make choices that are detrimental to us at one point or the other AND we all deal with blows that are beyond our control. But the truest measures of who we are as people lie in our ability to regroup, refocus, and try again… and again… and again until we are solidly on the path carved out for us.

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