Me:  Hi Wind, meet Caution! [Hurtles Caution headlong and with all my might.]

I’ve always been the girl that allows relationships to develop organically.  There have been a few instances where chemistry was instant and I began dating a person almost off the bat, but that’s more of the exception.  I’ve always lived by the “friends first” creed.  At the end of the day, I want to like you if we’re ever broke.  I want to like you during the times where your soldier doesn’t salute.  I want to like you when your mother pisses me off.  In turn, I would like to establish a rapport that would afford me these same opportunities.

In my past, I’ve dated and even fallen in love with a few friends.  There’s a certain comfort that comes with a relationship like that, and I’m not so sure it can be duplicated with a person that you are sort of making yourself like.  I won’t say that these situations all ended on an ugly note, but there is a certain ugliness that comes with “the end.”  At that point, I gave up on dating good friends.  The “friendship zone” exists for a reason, and I’m more ready to accept that.  But now, I find myself in the foriegn position of actually having a problem getting a date.

So, somewhere around the middle of summer, I decided to join  There’s that saying, “If you do what you always done, you get what you always got.”  Keeping that in mind, I made the decision to take a proactive (I’ve always had issues with that word, because it sounds like made-up bandwagon-speak) approach to dating. You gotsta pose to be chose, right?  There couldn’t be any harm in testing the waters and seeing what’s out there.  Folks, “out there” sucks.

You ever walked into a party and as soon as you got there, you said, “This is not my scene.”  That was me on Match.  It felt like the Last Chance Highway of love – forced and jaded.   The people were either too happy to be there, too snarky, or too persistent (read: belligerent – I saw you winks.  I saw your emails.  All of them.  You’re already showing yourself to be a bugaboo and it’s only 48 hours.) The one brother who winked at me in my target range (I selected 31-42) was all sorts of the business that would catch my eye…if I lived in Akron.  Brother, what am I gonna do with you in Akron?

Everyone else was much older, multiple marriages, smacked of desperation,  unsure if they wanted children (how is this a match for me?)…you get the picture.  It got to the point where I would heave a sigh when I saw my daily “matches.”  What am I supposed to do with a 375 lb. Hawaiian man looking for his third wife?  iCan’t.  At the end of the day, I was putting myself in an environment that I wasn’t digging to, uh, meet someone that I would dig? Hmmm.  So I had to let go of the notion of finding a match — at least through Match.  I’ve had friends recommend other sites:,, even, but at the end, I’m still online with the specific purpose of looking for a date, and there’s something about that that just doesn’t jibe with me.   So, I guess the big question is, what now?

Nothing.  Not really.  I live near Washington, DC.  Why do I have to go online to meet BLACK PEOPLE?  I don’t want to be electronically harmonious with you.  I definitely don’t want someone to call for my booty online.* I want…hmmm…

I want a brother so smart, I have to look up the stuff he talks about.

I want a brother so steady, I can set my watch by him.

I want a brother so delicious, I lick my fingers after I’ve finished holding hands with him.

I want a brother that takes his mama to lunch and his daddy to football games.

I want a brother that enjoys my mind and gives consideration to my opinions.

I want a brother who knows how to tell me to check my mouth (because anything can be done when it’s done properly).

I want a man who finds me sexy.

I want a man who can tell me when I need to improve.

I want a brother to communicate when times are rough.

I want a brother that will see my family as his family.

I want a brother that likes, respects and appreciates the man that he is.

I want a brother with the capacity to visualize the man he will be.

I want a brother as wondrous as he is flawed.

I want a brother to think that none of the above is crazy, unreasonable or unfathomable.

That shouldn’t be too hard.


* I hear tell that Online Booty Call is attempting to morph into a legitimate dating site.  That’s all well and good, but you are the company you keep.  I’m not going to the crack house to look for a solid brother; I’m not going to OBC to look for the type of person I would be interested in dating.


7 responses to “Matchless

  1. I would love to see the marketing/business plan behind the OBC transformation. If they can pull that off, they should seek out W. They can make him the best president in the history of the USA!!

  2. I think all of those qualities are definitely attainable. I think, for me, the question is: Can I find those in a Black man?

    My experiences have shown that maybe by limiting myself to Black men, at my age, being on the verge of divorce, being a mom, and having dealt with Black men that run the spectrum, maybe it won’t happen. I’m jaded, I admit it. I’ve been the ride or die woman, the submissive wife, the strong, independent woman, the supportive doting partner. I have the education, the career… and what now? Every study and article I read tells me that there are simply not enough Black men who are my equal, which means I either lower my standards or find a way to graciously settle.

    My Aries nature doesnt understand either of those concepts. So then, do i get comfortable in the idea of being alone? Do I just keep all interactions light, disconnected, simple? Do I seek depth and companionship with people who are not designed to be my equal companions?

    Thats why, right now, I’m focused on me. Being the best me I can be. I support being proactive, absolutely. Especially when you’re a dynamic woman like we are. But I also believe that we get what we put out there and if I put out the energy into the universe that I am fully at peace with myself, with my life, with being single… tha tI am not desperate or needy, then maybe, I won’t attract men who treat me as such. Right now, I’m just not looking, but I know many sisters who are, and it just sucks that we have so few options without having to compromise.

    Maybe if I weren’t 6’0 tall and didnt have issues about dating shorter men…. lol

  3. I don’t think the qualities are unobtainable in any man, the only trhing is that we are all a work in progrerss and some of those things might be something that he is working on.

    I dunno, the way I usually work is this: I know what I don’t want. Things that are absolutely ‘no-no’s’, it means my dating pool is very small.

    I think the biggest things for me was really looking let go of at myself and saying, okay, so this is what you want, but what do I have to offer someone who has this.
    It was a little bit painful to do this, because I always thought I was pretty honest with myself, but in my situation it was something I had to do and something I am still doing.

    For instance, it’s easy for me to become a recluse, but I like out going people and I wanted to date a person who was outgoing. The chance of me meeting such a person was pretty much in the -ve% range.
    I had to admit that I had to step out of my comfort zone. there are many more examples I could give but it might not apply to your situation.
    I had to

  4. Wow…I thought that maybe was a lil too good to be true. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out for you, but perhaps it’s for the best. I only hope that you’ll continue to be who you are, and that God will bless your patience with all that you’ve asked for. Peace.

    • YES Neecha. It’s sort of a testament to not only how we view ourselves, but how we view other people. I think that makes it more difficult when you have a certain expectation when it comes to relationships.

Discuss Amongst Yahselves!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s