I have been in such a mental cluster lately. I’m not out of it. Not by a long shot. I’m pretty sure that some of my issues stem from my recent birthday. Others come from my autumn blues, in part related to the 15th anniversary of my mother’s passing. Still others relate to the fact that I have VAST life improvements to make. I’m setting a goal list, and for now, I’m taking baby steps. Though I know where I want to be next SUMMER, I want to see if bite sized chunky goals will help me. Rather than saying, “In June I want to be [miscellaneous],” I’m giving “At the end of this month, I want to have accomplished this step in furtherance of my goal.”
I feel like someone is playing jacks with my life, and they’re only on threesies. I’m having that time of life where I look up and think, “What in the seven shits am I doing here?” Not here as in my locale, here as in this space, this station. This past week, I’ve had two heart to hearts with good friends, and we talked about getting what we DESIRE out of life. Not just what we need.
This morning, I was speaking to my cousin about our motivations, and I divulged that I have lost the desire to prove. I don’t feel the need to prove that I am a great writer, a loving mother, a beautiful soul, or even the baddest bitch. I simply am those things, and the pissing contest that is often the mistaken as the manifestation of these qualities is lost on me. No one can remove what you know to be so. It is very important to be modest, but I find it equally important to believe that you can move mountains. When you are rightly motivated, you WILL move mountains.
What is the “right” motivation? I would not be so presumptuous as to believe that I have all the answers, but here is the right answer for me. I want my success to be a conduit to the happiness of others. I want people to look at me, and be inspired by the fact that a regular girl from around the way accomplished this. I don’t have the desire to be shinin’ so I can make them sick. I want them to see me shine, search themselves, and produce their own light.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
– Marianne Williamson