“…Well you could try sleeping in my bed.”
– Alicia Keys
This past year, I have seen not only the least sex, but the least generalized physical contact that I have ever seen in…sheesh, ever. I can’t say that I regret it. I reiterated a sentiment that I have stated on several occasions on this blog, to my homegirl, The Capricorn. I don’t even have a guy that gives me the warm flutteries inside of my stomach. When I go out, there’s no “him” that I think about bumping into. There’s no mysterious stranger on the train that makes me wonder if he’s going my way. It’s a little bit of a bummer, but in retrospect, I needed to bounce back from affairs of the heart.
I think that if I had the capacity to detach myself from reality, I could be in, at the very least, a dating situation. Yet, nah. There’s that point in time where you’re just so done with heartbreak, heartache, and all that other stuff that comes with baring your soul to another, you just want to rest. Truthfully, whenever one of the dudes that I would have once at least considers contenders makes contact for any reason, my knee jerk reaction is typically, “He must have NOTHING better to do.” It’s not because I don’t feel worthy. It’s not because they may not have at least surface interest in me. It’s becasue at the end, I’m going to want something, and somewhere in this fucked up world we exist in, it’s become against the law for a woman to want anything from a man.
The vast majority of guys have bought into this idea of being a commodity, and as such, the women whom the deign to bestow any interest upon should do little more than offer acts of silent gratitude. Now, my view on men (and in particular, black men) referring to themselves as commodities is a blog post in and of itself. Cliff’s Notes view: Nothing conveys a lack of value in other people, and by extension, oneself, than this line of thinking. Stay tuned for my extrapolation later in the week.
The unfortunate coincidence is that so many women have nurtured this idea. We excuse bad behavior because somewhere our guy exhibits pockets of goodness. We ignore antisocial behavior and borderline megalomania, because we’ve convinced ourselves that it won’t get much better. Newsflash: When men discover that something stops them from getting laid, they stop doing that thing. Period. So logic would dictate that men wouldn’t do half the things they do if women didn’t enable them. And yet, that’s easier said than done.
By now, we’ve all heard of that ridiculous Nightline report where a bunch of lace-front wearers from Atlanta were lamenting their issues with dating. There was a part of me that was infuriated with that report. I’m very leery when white media “champions” the struggle of black women; particularly since this primarily takes place when pitting us against black men. First, I don’t see it as coincidence that now that there is a successful black man running the free world who is married to a successful and intelligent black woman,there is this sudden media frenzy toward “black men ain’t shit and they’re running to white women.” If anyone cares, let me repeat: The leader of the free world is married to a black woman. The ethnic jumpoff preference of a golfer who will not do one thing about my health care is IRRELEVANT. Additionally, the statistics were grossly misrepresented. I received a heated email regarding how we should rally against ABC, and Nightline, and let them know that we would not stand by and allow our brothers be misrepresented in this way. And I DID. Because I love my brothers. I see crimson when things like that take place. I am sad when sisters allow themselves to be pawns in this media game. Additionally, many of the men who I spoke to found the women interviewed to be somewhat snobby, with a sense of entitlement, and generally distasteful. Personally, I found myself turned off by the way they presented. So, on its face, this report has no merit. And yet…
You have to look past the messenger, because some of those points were quite valid. I have male friends and acquaintances who will proudly say there is no need for them to settle down, because there are too many women to choose from. I know tons of dudes that either have, or have had “back-pocket girls”; that girl that is waiting in the wings until the last wild oat has been sown. The fact that women are actually having the nerve to speak out about it, doesn’t set well with the men folk. Rather than addressing the possibility of having fucked up, it’s much easier to dismiss these women as bitches. Particularly when there are so many that are far less demanding.
And yet, I’m not in that number. Which I guess accounts for why I don’t laid. Because my goodies ain’t no knick knacks. And though there are certain ideals that might be up for compromise, there are certain principles that are NOT.
Be honest in your intention. I’ve already been married. I’ve already had two kids. Don’t piss on me and tell me it’s rain. If you just want to date and see where things go, say that. If you’re just looking for a hook up, say that. If you’re looking for something meaningful, say THAT. But what you will NOT do, is waste my time weaving these fairy tales just because you want to see my eyes light up. You want to play hero? Work for Marvel. You want to be with me? Be real. You might be surprised of what it yields.
I’m not putting it all on men, because the history of this blog will highlight that I believe men AND women need to get it together. But I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have legitimate issues with being a single girl.
And until that dude that gives me the flutters manages to materialize…
“Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you…”