I’m on my hamster wheel with one leg. I hate being in flux. I haven’t felt this off since my Saturn’s Return. I’m not going through quarter life crisis. I’m not going through mid-life crisis. Third-life crisis? I’m supposed to be somewhere else. I can feel it. I have no fucking clue where that somewhere is. I have been battling for a silent moment lately. If there was a spiraling toilet ride at an amusement park in hell, I’d be stuck on it.
I feel overwhelmed. I’ve felt overwhelmed for months. I’ve had no direction for months. Mental constipation is so not the business. This snow situation has me so frustrated I could take a crap in the middle of a board meeting. I have only been outside to shovel show. I have much more to shovel, yet my back hurt so damn bad, I couldn’t do it today. It makes me question moving to a place where I have no family around me. I know when the Spring comes, I’ll be over this, but right now, I’m so verklempt.
This bothers me because I’m a mover. I’m a shaker. When shit gets rough, I shake it off and devise a new plan. There is no plan. Trying to carve one out gives me a headache. There’s a lump that’s sat in my chest for God knows how long, and I have no clue to get it out. It just weighs on me.
My boys won the Super Bowl last night, and of course I have a post coming about that. But in this moment, I want to sit in a corner, put my feet over my shoulder and cry. Until my throat hurts and the tears run out. I want to cry because I’m not sure why the hell I’m crying. My heart says go to counseling, and I think it would be helpful, but where the fuck am I supposed to find the time? I had a conversation with my HR manager pertaining to my career path, and the end result was me going back to school. That encourages me, but how the fuck do I do that. The thought of incurring more student loan debt is frustrating. Trying to find the time is frustrating. Being frustrated is frustrating! ARGH!
And I’m getting fatter. The more depressed I get about my weight, the more discouraged I get and the more I eat. It literally makes me want to cry. It literally makes me cry. I’m overwhelmed, but I must be focused.