I am hosting a visitor. A strange creature arrived at my home, and invaded my 11 year old son’s body. I don’t know much about their culture, but I do know it involves taking 14,000 showers per day and Axe body spray. Watching him prepare his clothing is like watching a Peanuts’ special: “Iron For Your Life Charlie Brown!”
He gives me this strange look when I ask him what little girl has inspired the 24/7 shower motif. He’s also taken to wearing hats. He REFUSES to leave the house without his lid. When did he develop preferences? When did he develop a personal style? Who is this little skanky tramp that has him wearing Axe body spray (which I have gone on record as saying smells like booty call and bad intentions)?
I tell myself I’m not gonna be that mom. But I also thought I had a few years before I had that kid. he goes to the bathroom a billion times a day, and I shudder to think what’s going on. We have pretty frank discussions, but we’re now at the point where I will have to broach uncomfortable subjects, and it makes my eye twitch. It’s not that I still consider him my baby, it’s that it seemed he was my baby YESTERDAY. Last week he was crawling to the tune of Winnie the Pooh and asking for “milk juice.” Now he’s got a mustache and gets annoyed when he can’t find his special brush.
Did I sign up for this shit?