So in the first episode of the last season of Oprah’s show, she surprised her audience members (300 of them) with a trip to Australia. I don’ t care who you are and what you do, I am willing to wager that the majority of my readers are working stiffs just like me, or even if you have cheddar, you’re still balling within the acceptable limits of ballification. Not so for Oprah. So I just had a conversation with Oprah in my mind, and I’ll share it with you.
[Oprah teleports next to me in the Hyundai]
M: Oh snap!!! It’s Oprah!
O: Hi Mel. How are you today?
M: Oh, everything is everything, Oprah. I’m just grinding, working hard trying to make this come up happen. Had to run for the bus this morning, but I didn’t let a little thing like that get me down. You know, when I look at you, and the fact that you were relentless in the pursuit of success, I could only appreciate that. I don’t always see eye to eye with you on things, but I admire that about you. You really are every woman.
O: Well, to be frank, that’s just something I tell yall. I’m a billionaire. Are you a billionaire? I’m not trying to be a douche about it. Sometimes my info is off. If you’re not, I’m stating facts. I’m not every woman, but I used to be, and put your mind to it, you can come up in the game and add dollar signs to your name, as your friend likes to say.
M: As my friend likes to…you look at my chat logs Oprah?
O: [Gives the “Heaux do you know who I am?” hand motion] Oh, and I read your lil funky ass blog too. You were talking real greasy about the kid. Not the one you have now – that Mental Oasis joint. *toothpick appears in her mouth* Yeah. You better be glad you killed that noise a while back, because I was gonna have to send my peoples to come see you. You got it together though.
M: Well damn Oprah, I mean you’re just gonna roll up in the Hyundai and…
O: Look, before your mouth gets you in trouble, I’m not coming for beef. I just like to pop in and check on people from time to time. You’re doing your little writing thing, and that’s good, I like that. Just keep handling your business and don’t quit.
M: That’s really decent of you man. I kinda thought…well, you know what I thought. You’re alright though. So enough about me, what’s going on with you? What’s good in Oprah’s world?
O: [Rolling a spliff] Ain’t shit. Just a routine day for me: drank some coffee flavored with the highest quality Cambodian breast milk. After yoga, I rode my unicorn around Pluto. You know, they said it’s not a planet, but that joint is still big as fuck. Act right and maybe you can roll through and see for yourself.
M: That’s what’s up Oprah. So, that’s all you got going on?
O: Yeah. [Pauses to think] Oh, know what I did? I sent 300 heads that I never met to Australia. Just some ole pedestrian ass run of the mill shit for me. [Opes shrug] We were having a set your money on fire party, and I came up with that idea. You ever been to one of those joints?
M: A party where you set the money on fire, Oprah? No. I can’t say I’ve had the occasion to be in attendance.
O: [Mocking] “The occasion to be in…” bitch, we at school? What? You salty ‘cuz you broke? Being broke builds character playa. Don’t sweat it. Your time is gonna come. Until then…[snaps fingers and a “Oprah Could Have Sent Me To Sydney but Created This Punk Ass T-Shirt Instead” shirt appears on my body]
M: Uh, thanks Oprah.
O: [Licks the side of my face] ENJOY YO’SELF! [disappears]
O: [Reappears] Oh, and that was not at all gay. I just did it because I’m Oprah and I could.
M: I dunno Oprah, that was a little bit gay.
O: [Gives me the once over] Eh, you’ve got a better rack than Gayle, but she can make it clap. [Does shaky “so-so” hand motion] Yours needs work.
M: Oprah…you be wa…
O: [Cuts me off with the “Duh bitch! I’m Oprah!” stare again and disappears]
[Hyundai-with-the-butterfly-doors becomes an Aston Martin V8 Vantage Roadster]
M: AWWWWWWW SHIT!
O: [Echoing in the distance] SIKE! Stop talking shit on yo bloooooooog bitch!
[The car is once more a Hyundai-with-the-butterfly-doors]