These past couple of months have been, in a word, interesting. And this last month? Mercy. I was kind of dealing with something that I thought was supremely messed up, but I had made my peace with things actually turning out for the best. Just because something makes you sad, doesn’t mean it isn’t for the greater good, right? And so now, I’m again, breaking policy and vomiting emotions all over this blog.
Well, it was a fairly large “something,” and in many ways, I had to deal with it on my own. I wasn’t exactly sure how to react, so I pushed it on the side and dealt with other things. In life, there are always “other things” to deal with; particularly when a large “something” is looming. I wasn’t actively avoiding the issue, I just wasn’t sure what to do to it. Because there was a large part of me that was relieved. There are people and things that can become spirit vampires, and are only able to draw your time and energy from you with little return. It’s not necessarily any shade against them; simply a case of everything (or one) not being for everybody (or me).
The conundrum lies in the fact that for as long as I’ve been an adult, I considered this person at the very least, a kindred spirit. There were even times where the notion of “soul mate” was thrown around. When the individual was rude or anti-social, I always managed to trace it back to something that I had done. There was really not anything that this person could say or do that I could not find it in my heart to forgive.* Even now, while I’m butt hurt, I still do forgive.
But don’t get it twisted.
The funny thing about love is, we talk about it as thought it is this abstract, self-sustaining thing that can never be extinguished. It just is. The truth that I have learned is that given enough time, when a person disregards you enough, takes your feelings for granted one time too many, and does a Mexican hat dance on the balls of your heart, that love shit can fly out the window. When a person knows you better than most, it’s not unreasonable to expect them to handle you better than most. I had to examine my own heart, and ask why this person had an endless supply of chances with me. The math didn’t add up. And after crying my heart out for over an hour, I decided that this person had struck the death blow on our relationship. Not just romantic. We can’t be lovers, friends, workmates, roommates, coworkers, Facebook friends, line dance partners, square dance partners or even like the same color. I can’t love unconditionally, yet be loved with stipulations. I won’t paint myself the victim here, and I’m sure if asked, this individual could come up with a laundry list of reasons why I fall short. And to that I say, who cares? I can’t fix what I don’t know to be broken.
So to that person, if you’re reading this, I hope you find your happy. I hope that when you do, you’ve let go of all your past hurts and hold on to that happiness. I hope you see your children, and their children, and their children. But I also hope that you forget you knew me. I hope you forget everything about me. This can’t be salvaged. I’m not going to try. I don’t want you to either.
*If there’s nothing a person can do to change your feelings for them, you would do well to examine those feelings a little deeper. Co-dependence fits into love’s dress robes quite nicely.