Necessary Uneasiness

When you turn and walk away, don’t look back
I wanna remember you just like this
Let’s just kiss and say goodbye
– The Manhattans “Kiss and Say Goodbye”

I despise long breakups.  Few things are as horrible as that slow, painful descent into apathy, when you look at a person and feel nothing.  Not hate.  Not love.  Just, “Damn, you’re still here?”  When it comes to breakups, I just want it to be over.  Allow me to process the hurt and begin to heal.   Extended breakups not only tear at the couple, but everyone in their circle.  Onlookers sit on eggshells as you snipe and barb your way through the evening, for no reason other than a desire to torture the other.  The question hangs in the air like a mushroom cloud:  Why are they still together?

Mostly because nobody wants to be the bad guy. (I’ve spoken on that before here.)  But what’s the underlying cause?  Why does ending an incompatible relationship make someone “bad?”  Why do people believe that somehow, this breakup will thoroughly destroy everything their significant other holds dear? Nothing is farther from the truth.

This is not to discount the work that goes into relationships.  Couples are not 100% in love with one another every day.  I think the whole part of building a life together means growing, and rediscovering that person from a new perspective.  There will be times that suck.  A certain amount of fire refines a relationship.  There will be great times as well.  If the good outweighs the bad, at least in quality if not quantity, then you’re onto something.  To expect 24/7 365 elation is unreasonable.  (That people approach relationships with this exact notion is a post in and of itself.)  But if the entirety of your relationship is spent wishing for your significant other to disappear into a bottomless chasm, it may be time to move on.

There is nothing that offends me more than someone who is no longer into me, and tries to fade into oblivion.  “We’ve grown apart.”  No homie, you checked out, and that’s okay.  We don’t mesh.  There’s no law against that.  I’m astute.  If you’re not digging me anymore, I already know.  Guys have broken up with me before.  It hurt.  A lot.  I cried.  A lot.  But check it:  the next day the sun rose like an MF.

Do you really believe that parking your unhappy, unfulfilled heart in the personal space of another, is somehow better than freeing BOTH of you to pursue gratification?  Seriously?  I’m sure there are some can’t-let-go types that will exist in complacent ignorance.  But, miss me with that.  Love me fully.  Or don’t, and go about your business.  I’m reasonable and can’t begrudge anyone the right to seek what makes them happy.  But what I won’t accept is being loved out of some sense of reluctant obligation.  Part of wanting to be loved means being loved wholly.  If it’s not there, bye.  Just bye.  Find your happiness.  Your ex will be alright.

So will you.

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