Etta speaks to my core when she sings about wanting “a love that’s on the square.” Part of the reason behind my commitmentphobia is the need for something genuine. If my end game was a relationship no matter what, I could have had one of those. That blissful ignorance that comes with having a functional warm body doesn’t appeal to me. Having been in a color by numbers relationship, I know what I don’t want. I think I’m finally at the point where I know what I do want as well.
For the record, it’s not “diamond sunbursts or marble halls.” I don’t need or want nonstop excitement. There will be days where I’ll want and need to sit in silence and shut out the background noise. I’m sure the days will come where my Mr. Someone and I won’t have a damn thing to talk about, and will go to our seperate corners, secure in the knowledge the other will return. It’s all part of life. But I want it to be because we are choosing one another. Daily.
I talk about leaving relationships, not because I’m flighty and indecisive. It’s because I want “him” to be present, and i’d rather him leave than phone it in. I am infinitely flawed, but my heart has always been open and pure.
If you manage to get your own patch of real estate in my heart, you know it. It doesn’t happen that often, and when it does, I’m completely incapable of keeping that information to myself. It’s not about “making the first move.” It’s me saying, “Yo, this is how it is. Deal with this in the manner in which you see fit.”
Whether or not my ideal will be my reality is for the universe to decide. But I’m putting it out there because, hell, why not?