Wednesday morning, I walked into work like I would any other day: late. I’d already had my coffee and was abnormally chipper. I looked up to greet the fellow in the office across from my desk.
Have you ever seen something so strange that you ignore it for a moment, just to get your thoughts together?
“Jonathan…is…is that a bug outside of your window? Do you mind if I come in and get a closer look?”
This is what I saw:
AHHHHHHHH It’s a giant praying mantis planning to attack the city!! My friend the former Harlem Bon Vivant was ready to release Godzilla…or the Kraken! Barely escaped with my life.
SIIIIIKE. I’m only kidding. There wasn’t a real giant praying mantis attacking the city Wednesday. If it had, Liam Neeson would have come to DC and kicked its ass. It was rather large for a praying mantis. From forelegs to end, it was 4.5 inches. Were this creature on the same side of the glass as yours truly, a change of pantaloons would have been in order. Even looking at it through the glass gave me the most ridiculous case of jelly knees. A friend told me about happening upon a praying mantis, then backing off as it spun it’s head around Exorcist style.
Nature fascinates and terrifies me. As humans, with our big brains, opposable thumbs and Versace shades, we like to consider ourselves pretty badass. Well, nature has this funny way of saying, “Hey…you…fuck your life.” When I’m bored, I go to Cracked and let them entertain me — by scaring me shitless. There are all sorts of great articles like “6 Animals That Just Don’t Give a F#@k!” or “The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs In The World.” I’m not speaking of the Pyrrhic victory that is the honeybee’s, where you’re in a few minutes of pain and they lose their guts. I’m talking ants that shriek as the fall out of trees to get all up in that ass. And that’s nature.
I feel as though I’ve discussed the deer that seeks to claim my soul. People are all, “Deer are afraid of you. They run from people.” Okay, they might be. But maybe, just MAYBE I’ve pissed off the one balls to the wall deer in the animal kingdom. The one who doesn’t run. What if I’ve roused the ire of the deer that leans on your car smoking Kool Filter King and says, “Go back inside and change them shoes. You only wear sexy shoes when *I* say it’s time to get sexy?” What then? I won’t be thinking about Bambi. Will you? So yeah. Get off my case about being scared of nature. I feel your judgment.
If you’re wondering, “Hey, why didn’t she put up the links to those Cracked articles?” Because…meh. I’m feeling a little lazy today. Plus it’s Sunday.* And what are you doing that you’re so busy? Michael Jackson Moonwalked so that you might Google.
I don’t know that for sure. He probably just did it so that he could look awesome.
*I totally thought I hit publish on this yesterday. *shakes fist at interwebs* I’m still not adding links though. I’m bringing more hotness today.