Who doesn’t love food? It smells delicious, it tastes divine, and contrasting colors can make it appealing to the eyes. One thing I know about food is that not every meal looks appealing. There’s an art to “staging” food so that it looks appealing through the camera lens. That’s why the burger on the picture rarely looks like the burger on your plate. However, being on Twitter has taught me that with some chefs at the helm, NO amount of staging or photoshopping can salvage the aesthetic appeal (and possibly digestibility) of those meals. Say it with me: “Friends don’t let friends twitpic their struggle meals.” Clearly though, some of your friends are lacking, or don’t have the guts to tell you your culinary efforts look like day old barf. Here is where you have to be your own best friend. Consider this a checklist to help you figure out if your food ought to be in pictures or Tartarus:
1. You have a “specialty,” but people always ask you to bring the disposable cutlery
Typically hearing, “I’ll bring plates” to a potluck makes us all roll our eyes at your lazy behind. That’s because we’re saving that privilege for the cousin who’s always trying to bring coconut sprinkled chitterling loaf. She’s always chomping at the bit to serve her weird concoctions, and no one will bite. Do not take picture of that to save into your phone, much less to send it out to people
2. Scraping was involved
You should be cooking with some sort of coated pot. You can also coat the pan with a cooking spray, or something similar. If your meal sticks to your cookware and refuses to budge and you have to jackhammer it out of the plate, your kitchen and your life, don’t take a picture of that.
3. This is your first time cooking
Practice makes perfect, and whatever you think you’re doing with the pots and pans, is probably disgusting. Maybe not the most disgusting thing, but I’ll tell you a secret: Every good chef/cook and to start somewhere. People seem to enjoy my cooking, however, I had to relearn how to cook after I started a family. My red beans and rice could have been used to spackle walls. It takes a lot of patience to get recipes right. Until then, put your camera away.
4. You’ve got some weird “Only My Family Eats this” recipe
Nobody is checking for your yammallow. We don’t want to eat it. We con’t want pictures of it.
5. They lie to you about potlucks.
You’re either not invited, or they are super insistent on you not even bringing cutlery, because they don’t want you to get any fancy ideas. “Oh, I’ll just bring this M&M and frito pie just in case.” No. NO. NO! We actually want you to sit quietly and look pretty.
6. You’ve ever partaken in a meal involving “Prison Spread”
If you have not, good for you. Just know that if you’ve ever heated up ramen noodles in an old bread bag, with nondescript cheese, I have no interest in your cinematic visions for three ketchup packets and half a bag of funyuns.
If you fit into any of these categories, please for the love of humanity, heed my words and leave the pictures to the pros and just enjoy your meal