In the Mirror

What faces me in the mirror, is a woman who has a completely different idea of life, than she did one year ago.  I did a lot of letting go, of everything.  Expectation, resentment, stress and mostly fear.  This past year, I found my voice and learned so much about who I am.  Some of it worried me, other stuff made me proud.  In many ways, I’ve finally embraced the DMV as home, and I think that was an important part of developing a sense of normalcy in my world.

I was also incredibly sad this year, for a lot of reasons.  Rather than putting on a brave front and faking it until I made it, I just let the feelings flow until I was tapped out.  I didn’t stop myself from crying.  Every single thing I’d spent YEARS suppressing, I let those emotions fly free.  I am so much better for that.  Allowing myself that space to just be has helped me cope with things that would have reduced me to inconsolable tears a  year ago.  Giving myself the freedom to feel, and confronting every feeling, has helped me not have to put on a brave face.  I actually cried more out of joy than sadness this year.  I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve it, of course.

As far as the matter of love, I have so damn much.  I have yet to meet my Chupacabra Hunter, but I opened myself to vulnerability, and loved the results.  When I gave up the fear of being hurt, I recognized the true capacity of love.  I’ve decided to spend the next year exploring what type of love will work for me.  I plan on taking each day, tender moment, kiss, caress and, um…etcetera, as it comes.  If it’s a feeling that lasts for five minutes, five days or five decades, I plan to savor the existing moment.  Joy should know that I’ll be grasping it with hands and feet.

And then there’s the matter of friendships.  There are people whom I let go of completely.  There are people who I had to relegate to another part of my heart.  There are also people who…we’re just on a different path right now.  Each one of these situations are interesting, but they are also a part of life.  I felt the slightest bit odd about that earlier today, but friendships, like any other relationships, go through evolutionary stages.  No amount of pouting will change that.  I spoke to a friend today and we discussed how the people who are supposed to be in your life, will be there.  I can’t worry about who won’t be along or the rid.

Another thing I plan on claiming in the next year: a good night’s sleep.  In fact, I plan on having several.  I don’t think I’ve had one since I went home last holiday season.

This past year, I REALLY let my hair down.  It was much needed and well deserved.  But now I have to write the ship and balance my life.  I know I can work hard.  I know I can party hard.  Now let’s combine the two into a well adjusted system.  So this year, I plan on recapturing each and every morsel of my me-ness.



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