What faces me in the mirror, is a woman who has a completely different idea of life, than she did one year ago. I did a lot of letting go, of everything. Expectation, resentment, stress and mostly fear. This past year, I found my voice and learned so much about who I am. Some of it worried me, other stuff made me proud. In many ways, I’ve finally embraced the DMV as home, and I think that was an important part of developing a sense of normalcy in my world.
I was also incredibly sad this year, for a lot of reasons. Rather than putting on a brave front and faking it until I made it, I just let the feelings flow until I was tapped out. I didn’t stop myself from crying. Every single thing I’d spent YEARS suppressing, I let those emotions fly free. I am so much better for that. Allowing myself that space to just be has helped me cope with things that would have reduced me to inconsolable tears a year ago. Giving myself the freedom to feel, and confronting every feeling, has helped me not have to put on a brave face. I actually cried more out of joy than sadness this year. I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve it, of course.
As far as the matter of love, I have so damn much. I have yet to meet my Chupacabra Hunter, but I opened myself to vulnerability, and loved the results. When I gave up the fear of being hurt, I recognized the true capacity of love. I’ve decided to spend the next year exploring what type of love will work for me. I plan on taking each day, tender moment, kiss, caress and, um…etcetera, as it comes. If it’s a feeling that lasts for five minutes, five days or five decades, I plan to savor the existing moment. Joy should know that I’ll be grasping it with hands and feet.
And then there’s the matter of friendships. There are people whom I let go of completely. There are people who I had to relegate to another part of my heart. There are also people who…we’re just on a different path right now. Each one of these situations are interesting, but they are also a part of life. I felt the slightest bit odd about that earlier today, but friendships, like any other relationships, go through evolutionary stages. No amount of pouting will change that. I spoke to a friend today and we discussed how the people who are supposed to be in your life, will be there. I can’t worry about who won’t be along or the rid.
Another thing I plan on claiming in the next year: a good night’s sleep. In fact, I plan on having several. I don’t think I’ve had one since I went home last holiday season.
This past year, I REALLY let my hair down. It was much needed and well deserved. But now I have to write the ship and balance my life. I know I can work hard. I know I can party hard. Now let’s combine the two into a well adjusted system. So this year, I plan on recapturing each and every morsel of my me-ness.